Radio Roundup -Final Show 8/7/16

Local news-

Jail Birds Escape

Stone Quarry rejected – Council states:

‘We have enough stones”

Midland Downgrade-

Just 30 seconds can save a life

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Malcolm Turnstyle stars in

The Never Ending Election

Pauline Hanson stars in

Return of the Living Dead

Greyhounds star in

Cry Freedom

Sam Hains stars in

The Hipsterproof Fence

John Howard stars in

W.M.D. – A Fantasy

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Mice trained to detect W.M.D.s

(Weapons of Mice Destruction)

l have been on MainFm for over 5 years now, and my faithful companion has been by my side for 2.

l am sick of missing all the Friday night fun but management won’t give us another time so we have called it quits.

Watch this space for the next exciting adventure

Chow Ben Boyang

The Senate –A Cornucopia of Choices

HEALTH AUSTRALIA PARTY

Careful, this mob could well be a front for The Anti-vaccination Crusade, who fervently believe vaccination should be illegal rather than compulsory.

 

SOCIALIST EQUALITY PARTY

Lookout, this mob could well be a front for The Trotskyists – enthusiastic young revolutionaries directed to infiltrate Stalinist committees and make them unworkable.

Since the fall of The Soviet Union this strategy has been extended to all committees.

 

SOCIALIST ALLIANCE

BEWARE – these people are Card Carrying Communists

 

VOTEFLUX!

A web savvy mob who would like to introduce internet voting on specific issues. The entire country could vote on any issue that takes their fancy. Or the whole world could vote on how to run the whole world. This is definitely a visionary concept well worth considering

 

The CycIing Scientists  

We are really keen to create a whole new city especially for Nerds, so we can ride around on bicycles and figure out how to get to Mars via teleporting.

 

SUSTAINABLE AUSTRALIA

We want a smaller population for Oz, as well as smaller people. (apparently there is a drug to arrest human growth at the desirable size. At present this drug is only given to disabled kids so they don’t grow too big to carry, but if we all reduced our size by half we would naturally need only half as many resources and create half as many emissions. If we were the size of ants we could send half the world’s population to colonize Mars, in one spaceship.(if teleporting proves to be impractical)

Think about it. But not for too long .

 

PIRATE PARTY

This mob are Computer Nerds whose favourite sport is hacking.

They do have some affinity with the Cycling Scientists but would not be welcome in Nerd Utopia as they might fuck things up big time.

 

RENEWABLE ENERGY PARTY

Zero Emissions by 2050! Good Luck!

 

THE ARTS PARTY

This mob believe artists should be paid money for making art.

Whilst this novel idea would bring about a marked improvement in their general wellbeing, it would no doubt have a detrimental effect on their art, since, as we all know, great art emerges from great suffering. Alas, a pleasant life makes for pleasant art, at best.

 

SECULAR PARTY OF AUSTRALIA

This mob believe God Almighty is persecuting Atheists for their beliefs (or lack of them) They promise to introduce a law banning God from Australia. If she so much as sets foot on Australian soil, or makes her presence felt in some other occult way, she shall be incarcerated! No ifs, no buts!

 

MARRIAGE EQUALITY

This mob fight doggedly for Gays to have the right to get married, fight in the armed forces and become priests, blissfully unaware that these pursuits are no longer cool.

 

The Pot Party Party

This mob think pot is the panacea for everything, especially the decline in rural industry. There is apparently a vast pool of untapped experience in the area of marijuana cultivation. Some of our most skilled horticulturalists are languishing on the dole whilst little kiddies die for the want of Medicinal Marijuana.

 

AUSTRALIAN PROGRESSIVES

This lot believe in social progress(the development of human consciousness)

as opposed to industrial progress (digging shit up & selling it to China)

 

VOLUNTARY EUTHANASIA PARTY

We vow to commit suicide on mass if we are not given the right to die with dignity.

The Shooters Party has offered to help.

Have perennial problems with ever decreasing membership

 

MATURE AUSTRALIA

We want to grow old gracefully, unlike our sister party, who don’t seem to want to grow old at all.

Claim The Voluntary Euthenasia Party are poaching their members

 

Euthenasia Party

Similar to Voluntary Euthenasia Party but don’t feel it is necessary to ask first.

 

AUSTRALIAN SEXY PARTY PARTY

The Sexy Party says it’s not all about the sex.

They are actually looking for a committed long

term relationship with the voters.

Note-Funded by the Porn Industry

 

ANIMAL JUSTICE PARTY

Party Leader: Mr. Ed

Calling for voting rights for all animals, not just humans.

Should get the donkey vote if The Shooters Party don’t get them first

 

THE GREENIES

We Greenies are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.

We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.

 

LABOR

1 Wind not Coal

2 Trains not Trucks

3 Schools not Prisons

4 We are like the Liberals, but nicer

 

LIBERALS (Conservatives)

1 Coal not Wind

2 Trucks not Trains

3 Goals not Schools

Retrain teachers as prison guards.

“My new clients are more polite and less violent than my previous charges and the pay is better”

– Jenny; trainee guard at Loddon Prison

– former Prep teacher at Sleepy Hollow Primary

 

4 Decrease spending to zero and ultimately liquidate the Government

 

The Gnats

The Gnats once swarmed across the plains like locusts but are now a mere shadow of their former selves. Shriveling inexorably to the point where they could disappear up their own arsehole at any moment.

This is due largely to the natural attrition of death.

 

MFP

John Madigan’s Manufacturing & Farmers Party

Mad Dog Madigan would have to be The Patron Saint of Lost Causes.

No sooner does he raise the DLP from the grave than he reburies them even deeper and goes into bat for farming & manufacturing before they disappear altogether.

Claims to have invented the stump-jump plough.(along 47 other claimants)

 

SHOOTERS & ROOTERS PARTY

This gang claim to be the true conservationists; preserving wetlands and forest habitat for them to hunt in. Whilst it may be a noble act to kill wild animals to feed your hungry family, this is a far cry from killing them for the shear pleasure of killing. Whilst hunting for sport may be environmentally sustainable it is hardly morally defensible, as it tends to encourage unhealthy psychopathic tendencies amongst participants.

 

AUSTRALIAN MOTORING ENTHUSIAST PARTY

It seems the people of Victoria are not as enthusiastic about their motoring as we were led to believe, but Ricky has turned out to be a decent chap, and living proof that a Nobody plucked at random can turn out more worthy than those we felt we could trust.

 

AUSTRALIAN COUNTRY PARTY

(often confused with the Austrian Country Party, especially in Austria)

We have adopted the No Policy Policy.

All decisions will be arrived at through community consultation.

Whatever bills The Greens vote for we will oppose on principal, and vice-versa

 

DERRYN HINCH’S JUSTICE PARTY

Led by the eponymous Mr. Hinch, AKA – The Human Headline

Derryn’s main focus is on self justice. As we all know, poor Derryn has been treated shabbily by the justice system every time he deliberately floats the law to increase his ratings. Derryn’s concept of self-justice also involves justifying his reason to be alive. (the most obvious reason being that it is illegal kill people)

Derryn’s goal is to have the privilege of exposing suspected pedophiles in parliament, thus avoiding going back to gaol yet again.

 

Pauline’s Personal One Notion Party

Pauline’s policy is to be as politically incorrect as possible whenever she is given the opportunity. When Eddie Maguire expressed the desire to drown a journalist, Pauline said with a straight face “ Personally, I would gleefully drown them all”.

Well said Pauline. All publicity is good publicity, as they say.

 

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS (often confused with the Democratic Liberals)

This mob would like to do away with laws and governments altogether and replace them with private armies defending private wealth, not unlike the Dark Ages or ‘Game of Thrones’. Lots of sex, lots of wars, lots of blood, lots of fun!

Not to be confused with the Anarchists, who would also like to do away with laws and governments, but they would convince everyone to be nice to each other and share everything so guns and money would be redundant.

 

FAMILY FIRST PARTY

“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party

Our detractors call us The White Anty Party

We are anti action on climate change

Anti Government

Anti Tax

Anti Unions

Anti Drugs

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Abortion

But Pro Life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)

 

RISE UP AUSTRALIA  

-We do not sell Viagra

Possibly the most extreme far right of the gaggle of extreme far right parties on display,

and they do have some stiff opposition. (no pun intended)

Their glorious leader, one Daniel Nalliah of the infamous Catch Fire Ministries

Is quoted as saying soon after the Black Saturday Bushfires that killed over 200 people, “This is God’s punishment for Victorians allowing abortion.”

 

Assorted Bigots Lucky Dip

 

JACQUI LAMBIE NETWORK

CHRISTIAN DEMOCRATIC PARTY (FRED NILE GROUP)

AUSTRALIAN LIBERTY ALLIANCE

CITIZENS ELECTORAL COUNCIL

AUSTRALIAN CHRISTIANS

 

NICK XENOPHON TEAM

Nice guy Nick takes a Big Gamble and goes national. Good Luck Nick!

 

The Recycling Party

We recycle everyone else’s policies ad infinitum

 

The Dog Walkers & Pet Groomers Party

Dog walking and pet grooming should be compulsory

This would provide much needed employment opportunities for dog walkers and pet groomers, and the dogs like it too.

 

Random Wannabees

Loners who can’t muster 500 other loners to form a Loners Party

 

The Neoliberal Doctrine

The term neoliberal was invented in 1938 at the height of the Keynesian ascendancy, but was not adopted worldwide until the 1980s, championed by Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan.

The neoliberal doctrine goes like this:

Competition is the basis for all human interaction.

Margaret Thatcher sums this up neatly with the famous quote:

“There is no such thing as society, only the individual.”

There is a natural hierarchy of winners and losers.

Winners are rewarded with a monopoly, losers with bankruptcy.

The basic unit is the consumer who is free to exercise their right to choose.

$1 = 1 vote in the consumer democracy.

All social problems can be dealt with by applying the laws of Supply Demand.

Every individual is given an opportunity to accumulate wealth, no matter what handicaps they begin with.

Those that fall by the wayside have only themselves to blame.

It works like this:

Install white ants at the centre of State power whose job is to cut taxes, thus starving the state of the ability to adequately fund the functions of the State, rendering them dysfunctional and ripe for take over by the corporate sector, whilst building resentment against the state itself at the same time. Neat hey?

Here in Australia, while the Liberal Party aggressively pursues the Neoliberal agenda, the Labor Party reluctantly follows in its footsteps:

A freeze on new taxes, trade liberalization, privatization of infrastructure, education, health etc,.

At the same time Labor doggedly clings to the good old tried and true Keynseyan doctrine:

Promote economic growth by stimulating consumer demand.

A simple doctrine from a bygone era before Climate Change, rescource depletion, pollution and mass extinctions reared their ugly heads.

The Libs prefer to stimulate growth by giving tax breaks to Corporations in the vain hope they will reinvest it rather than salt it away in offshore tax havens.

The Greens on the other hand don’t seem to be so keen on Keynes or Neoliberalism, as they are both a direct threat to the environment and social justice, but they are very cagy about exactly what they would replace them with if they were in power.

 

 

The Land of the Fair Go

Bad News!

The Liberals will win this election.

No Federal Government has been chucked out of office after one turn since The Great Depression

This is the land of the Fair Go. After you have had a fair go, you give the other mob a go. This is called Democracy.

The Libs will win this election because it will be decided by people who do not care about politics, people motivated by pure self interest, who will vote for whomever has the most to offer them personally. This is called ‘The U-Jack Society – “Fuck you Jack, I’m alright”.

The Libs will win this election because, despite Oz being THE richest country on earth ( and daylight comes second) most people are worried about the economy, and voters consistently rate the Libs as being more competent with money, as they are very adept at accumulating it.

We live in a Neoliberal paradigm – Winner takes all!

If you are a winner you vote Liberal as they will safeguard your money from the marauding hoards. You don’t have to worry about education or health because your kids go to private school and have private health insurance.

If you are a loser you vote Labor because they will pay for your kids education and keep you alive in your old age.

However, there are some winners who vote Green because of their compassionate policy towards losers.

 

Disclaimer: I have bet a large sum of money on The Libs based on this assumption. Of course I would be overjoyed to lose it all, but I would be even happier to back a winner. Losers suck!

Voting stats for Bendigo & Castlemaine

Let’s look at the stats for Bendigo in the last federal election in 2013

 

Labor just squeaked in with 51% -phew!

– after getting 80% of Greens preferences (the last to be knocked out, except the Libs)

That looks close doesn’t it?

But don’t get too excited, no one is predicting an upset here.

When Lisa Chesters took over from Steve Gibbons the vote dropped 8%

Now that we have all got used to Lisa, her vote should go back up again.

The Greens vote dropped from 12% to 9% in 2013 but it looks like it will bounce back this time and may even get a top up. At the present rate of growth The Greens should take the seat before the end of the century, if all goes according to plan.

 

Primary votes

Labor 36%

Libs 40%

Greens 9%

Assorted Nutjobs 5%

Informal 5%

Gnats 5% (slightly less than Informal – how embarrassing!)

 

Preferances

The Gnats got up to 7% before being knocked out.

Labor got 30% of their preference and Greens got 12%

Greens got up to 12% before being knocked out

The Libs got 18% of their preferences and Labor got the rest

Now let’s have a squizz at the stats for our little shire here in Sleepy Hollow

I have painstakingly gone to the trouble of collating the stats from all eleven booths in our shire in order to get a glimpse into our own little bubble.

 

Primary votes

Labor 38%

Libs 30%

Greens 20%

Gnats 3%

Assorted Nutjobs 9%

 

Two Party Preferred

Labor 63%

Libs 37%

Now let’s get up close and personal –

 

Top Booth for the Greens

Guildford – 28% Well done team!

The Greens out voted the Liberals in only 2 booths

Castlemaine North and Guildford

(possibly the only 2 booths to do so outside inner-city Melbourne)

Highest Labor vote in the entire electorate:

Castlemaine North – 70% (TPP)

Bendigo Candidates 2016

A ‘rundown’ of the candidates in Bendigo

 

We have several candidates running for election, others standing for office, and one sitting member. As it is a race l would personally back the runners.

Here is a brief ‘rundown’ of the motley crew.

Please don’t take this expression literally. No one will actually be run down by any sort of vehicle, except the blokes, as they are fair game. But we will be using this bulletin as a vehicle to run down the candidates metaphorically.

 

Let’s start of with the wanabees that are pretty run down to start with….

 

Andy Madison – Nationals

Andy had this to say to his constituents :

“We are a party of weary old cockies

We believe in ‘Agrarian Socialism’, which differs from traditional Stalinism in that we get to keep all our profits but share our loses with the community.

We love farmers but we prefer miners, especially Frackers.

We love nature but we prefer grass

We are an independent party that always votes with the Libs

Traditionally we have sat back and watched as our country towns are gutted and the rural economy collapses, along with our vote. We often wring our hands over this dilemma but what can we do? We begged the Liberals to fix it but they said no.

We are in favor of A.I. (Artificial Insemination – not Amnesty International)”

 

Alan Howard – Family First

Alan had this to say to his constituents :

“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party

Our detractors call us The White Anty Party

We are anti action on climate change

Anti Government

Anti Tax

Anti Unions

Anti Drugs

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Abortion

But pro life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)

Alan also said: “As a qualified marriage celebrant l feel qualified to give my unqualified support for Homophobia. My opinion differs somewhat from the official Wahabi doctrine that all homosexuals should be beheaded with a rusty sword. Being a man of boundless tolerance l think it is OK for gay people to form some sort of unholy union as long as they don’t call it marriage, perhaps a ‘License to Commit Sodomy’ or something similar.”

 

Anita Donlon – Independent

Though swearing black and blue to be an independent, Google tells us (and Google never lies) that Ms Donlon first saw the light of day as one of Clive’s P.U.P.s, (the runt of the litter, no doubt). After that party sank in spectacular fashion like The Titanic itself, Anita appears to have jumped into bed with the infamous U.P.F. (Unfriendly People Front) And you know what they say, ‘if you lie with dogs, you will get up with fleas’.

But to give her credit where credit is due, that is not the only spectacular failure to dog her nascent career. Anita’s main claim to fame is playing a leading role in the unmitigated failure of the ‘Stop the Mosque’ campaign.

A grudge she took all the way to the highest court in the land, only to be knocked back before even getting a foot in the door with these immortal words:, “Go home lady,you’re dreamin’’

But when all is said and done and the dust has settled, and the mighty edifice is built, and the morning prayer blares from the towering minaret at 5am day after day ad infinitum, we may find our religious tolerance to be sorely tested.

More Info…

 

Sandra Caddy – Rise Up Australia

Ms Caddy had this to say to her constituents:

“Contrary to popular opinion our party is not calling for general insurrection, or not yet, anyway.

Nor are we trying to sell Viagra

We are appealing to all those who suffer from the dreadful affliction of Phobism, especially our loyal supporters in the United Patriots Front.

Phobism is a communicable disease contacted through rubbing shoulders with mobs of frenzied zealots.

Sandra says: “My favourite phobias are:

Islamaphobia, (fear of Mosques)

Homophobia (fear of gay people)

Theophobia (fear of God)

Xenophobia (fear of foreigners called Nick)”

If you would like all your phobias exposed in parliament then join us in

The Party of Fear

 

More info…..

 

the others didn’t get a photo coz they weren’t sexy enough

Megan Purcell

Megal Purcell – Liberal

Ms Purcell had this to say to her constituents:

“I am a celebrity. You’ve probably seen me on T.V.

I began my illustrious career as a ‘Bundy Girl’

I soon rocketed to stardom on ‘Farmer wants a wife’ where I fell deeply in love with Julz, a cow farmer from Na Na Goon, but he measured my hips and found them too narrow for childbearing.

If elected l will remove the ‘Bundy Tax’ on alcho-pops

I will make Bundy the national currency like it was in the good old days

  • that’s history kids – Google it on your WiFi.

I am a true-blue, dinky-di Ozy girl from the wee hamlet of Maldon, where little has changed since we dispersed the natives and set up boutique homeware shops.

If elected I will make Maldon the next Sovereign Hill

I hearby challenge all the other contestants to a wet T-shirt contest.

Free Bundy for all!”

 

Ruth Paramore – Animal Justice

Ms Paramore had this to say to her constituents:

“We love cats.

We sincerely believe animals should have the same rights as humans,

The right to vote

The right to carry guns

The right to mate with other animals of a similar gender

The right to build mosques

Until our animal friends learn to speak we vow to speak up in their defense.”

4 legs good!

2 legs bad!

 

Lisa Chesters – Labor

Ms Chesters had this to say to her constituents:

“I know you are heartily sick of banging on about a lot of nonsense so l will just say this:In this election it is important to vote for my party because it is not as right wing as the Liberal Party”

 

Rosemary Glacier – Greens

Rosie says: “Here at the Greens we are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.

We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.”

Help halt Climate Change – Put a Glacier in Parliament!