A friend of a friend of mine was cruising Silver Singles, as he does obsessively, when he stumbled across this fascinating profile. l say stumbled because, although he is pretty desperate, he doesn’t usually chase nonagenarians. But this one was a real catch.

See if you can pick who it is from her answers to an exhausting list of very personal questions.

It starts off simply enough;

Name: Elizabeth, but my friends call me Lizzy or Dizzy-Lizzy

Age: 94

Status: Widow

Job: General Manager of the family firm

Where do you live?

London

Height ?

A bit short, 165 cm

Race?

Caucasian

Do you want to have more children?

No, not for me. l do so love the little ones, but we all know that as they grow up, they become more and more demanding.

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Only after sex

What religion are you?

Church of England, of course.

Education level achieved?

Secondary School Certificate, before l was whisked away to perform ‘family duties’

Language spoken at home?

English, but my late husband spoke fluent Greek.

After that candid discourse, we then have an endless list of  multiple choice questions about nothing in particular that don’t reveal much at all about our enigmatic subject.

But hang in there it gets illuminating later on.

We finally get a rare glimpse into a very long and very private life,

shrouded in mystery and intrigue……. until now!

(monogamy avoids the irksome problem of bastards claiming the throne)
You must understand l am suffering terribly from ‘cabin fever’
l do love the Serengeti
(Way off the scale, darling)

________________________________________________________________________________________

My strengths:

To give my family a happy home

To remain calm in hectic situations

To make new acquaintances quickly

To entertain other people

To educate my children responsibly

To keep my household tidy

Endurance and stamina

________________________________________________________________________________

Sports:

Fishing

Badminton

Bowling

Boxing (really)

Rollerblading (you are joking)

Martial Arts

Running (l don’t think so)

Rowing (hm, l doubt it)

Sailing

Diving (come on, let’s be realistic here)

Yoga / Tai Chi / Pilates (possibly)

___________________________________________________________________

What is important to you?

Good manners

Impeccable dress sense

Deportment

Elocution

Discretion.

_____________________________________________________________________________

What are you looking for in someone else?

Someone who can keep a secret

Someone who doesn’t believe the lies of the gutter press.

Someone with a sense of humor who can show me how to laugh again

A man who can split wood for the stove in winter

Someone with an anti-authoritarian streak

anybody at all

______________________________________________________________________________

This makes me laugh:

l seem to have lost my sense of humor long ago,

Maybe because no one has tickled me since boarding school,

but when my wayward son Charles made that joke that went viral about wanting to be a tampon, l did have a bit of a giggle, in private, of course.

Kids are funny sometimes aren’t they?

________________________________________________________________________

Retrospectively, what three things are you most thankful for?

My genes, the Monarchy, the British Empire

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Things that I would never part with:

My corgis, my crown, and my kingdom. In that order.

_________________________________________________________________________

In a relationship I am looking for:

Fun, travel, freedom, spontaneity, abandon, subservience

_____________________________________________________

How I describe myself:

Rich, privileged, aristocratic, noble, polite, accommodating. A good listener.

l look good in yellow.

_______________________________________________________________________

How many children under the age of 18 currently live in your household?

No idea

__________________________________________________________________

How many adults currently live in your household?

A lot, l think

___________________________________________________________

How important is sex?

Extremely important if it produces heirs

_______________________________________________________________________________

Please describe three activities that you most enjoy in your free time.

l don’t get much free time, but when l do l love nothing more than

Sailing on my yacht or visiting some of my holiday houses,

shooting peasants, sorry pheasants.

Drinking endless cups of tea with the char lady

___________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone has different passions, such as art, sports, music, family and faith.

What are you most passionate about?

Family, faith, loyalty, protocol, civility, duty, maintaining the purity of our blood stock,

especially in relation to miscegenation.

_________________________________________________________________________________

What are your interests?

British History

The Royal Family

Visiting old castles

______________________________________________________________________________

My strengths:

Maintaining a stiff upper lip

l can hold my bladder for over 8 hours (so can Marina Ambromivich apparently)

_______________________________________________________________________________

What do you like?

Corgis.

Babies

Military parades

Fox hunting

_______________________________________________________________________________

What is the one possession that you cherish more than any other?


Scotland

________________________________________________________________________

Where I feel the most at home:

In my palace

__________________________________________________________________________________

What my partner should know about me:

l have expensive tastes

__________________________________________________________________________________

What would you like people to know about you?

l had nothing to do with the untimely demise of my estranged daughter in law.

____________________________________________________________________________

Where do you like to go when you feel life is shit?

The Serengeti

________________________________________________________________________

What don’t you like?


l don’t particularly like the French, except for Charles De Gaul, now there was a real man!
l don’t like The Argentinians, of course, going to war over the tiniest little island! Don’t get me started!

_________________________________________________________________________

What do you value most in life?

Privilege

______________________________________________________________________

Who the fuck are you?

l have led a sheltered life. Poverty, hunger, suffering seem like abstract concepts from these lofty ramparts.

l have dedicated my life to maintaining the status quo, leaving little time for frivolity.

l see the football hooligans of a Saturday night and shudder to think what will become of my dear little empire when l am gone

_______________________________________________________________________

If I had one wish, I would wish for:

Anonimity

___________________________________________________________________________

An algorythm then decides what sort of person you are:

So even though our Liz is apparently a bit guarded, not particularly conciencious, not very agreeable and a neurotic introvert my mate Mervin (not his real name) was still as keen as mustard to get into her pants, so naturally he sent her some bullshit story about what a stud he was, and an old photo of himself in his prime, really laying it on thick. Mervin doesn’t do subtlety.

But she took the bait hook, line and sinker. Replying pretty damn promptly:

Hi Merv,

l was married for 70 years. My husband just died. He was 99. l have lived a sheltered life, living in a big old rambling house all by myself, except for the servants of course, but they don’t count. l have a big family who cause me a lot of grief. l have been overwhelmed by a lot of obligations. l would dearly love to get away from them for a while and see what life is like on the outside, with the common people, so to speak. Sorry if l sound a bit condescending, it’s my upbringing, you see. l haven’t had sex for quite a while but l’m sure l could pick up where l let off, with your expert help. If you are keen l could come out to… where was it again, Na Na Goon to visit you.

l do love Australia, it is one of my favorite possessions. l have a jet, l think, l will ask my PA.

XX Liz

Here are some selfies of me having a bit of a giggle:

________________________________________________________________________________________________.

Update from Liz: l am feeling a bit despondent. l haven’t got hardly any clicks. Maybe l have been too modest and understated my accomplishments. l think l have to upgrade to Premium to get a better class of admirers. That is certainly what l have found throughout my long and illustrious life so far.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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