Straya Day Reflection

The Queen Must Die!

-An Australia Day Reflection

(as in looking in the mirror)

 

I don’t celebrate Australia day because l am a traditionalist.

Let me put that another way;

l don’t celebrate Australia Day, because l am a traditionalist.

The blackfellas have a long tradition of not celebrating Australia Day, dating back many thousands of years. It is this ancient tradition that l like to uphold.

As you may well know, our venerable Prime Minister is an avowed republican, but he has vowed to wait for our venerable queen to die of old age before he sets about the long and arduous task of establishing The Republic of Australia. While this is very sensitive of him, it could mean we are in for a long wait. Apart from the occasional sniffle she is in rude good health. Many of us may die of old age ourselves before our cherished republic comes to fruition. She could do us all a favor and abdicate, but she is a bit worried about her darling Prince Charles. Rumor has it he is a bit flakey, always banging on about organic vegetables and renewable energy and hippy shit like that. He could very well declare a republic himself if we’re not careful.

But when she dies, as surely she eventually must, we must be ready to grasp the nettle.

Let’s face it, this place needs a total makeover, root and branch.

 

  1. A new date for Oz Day (l suggest May 8 – pronounced ‘maaate’, or even better, the day we                 declare a fucking republic)
  2. A new National Anthem (l would suggest Waltzing Matilda, but standing on the                podium at the Olympics and breaking into song about a vagabond committing suicide because he was caught inflagranto dilecto with his favourite sheep would make us the laughing stock of the entire world, if we are not already)
  3. A new National Flag that includes a kelpie and no union jacks
  4. A stronger constitution, because you need a very strong constitution to stomach some of the shenanigans of our national parliament.
  5. A Republic – Based on true Australian values like barracking for the underdog.
  • Let’s face it, we are a nation of failures and proud of it.
  • The Blackfellas were decimated
  • The convicts were flogged
  • The Eureka Stockade was a massacre
  • Ned Kelly was hung
  • Gallipoli was a disaster
  • The Tazzy Tiger was exterminated
  • Phar Lap was poisoned
  • Gough Whitlam was sacked

But we’re still rooting for them, aren’t we? You bet we are!

 

We are like an old FJ Holden, limping along on 3 cylinders and spewing out black smoke. We don’t just need a grease lube and oil change, we need to recondition the entire engine, and bog up all the rust, and give her a new paint job.

(green and gold of course, or should that be black & gold)

 

So if Oz Day is destined to be more than an excuse for a a piss up and a piss take, it is timely to nail down just what it is Australian Culture? Does it even exist? And while we are at it, what is culture anyway? Maybe its easier to define what isn’t culture. Bar-B-Qs, fishing, surfingtaking the piss, wearing thongs on your feet instead of your crotch, playing sport, this is a way of life, but it isn’t culture. In fact it could be argued that playing sport is what you do when you have no culture. The Greeks don’t run around all weekend getting skin cancer and acquired brain injuries, do they? No, they have weddings, really big weddings where they sit around inventing democracy and philosophy and shit like that. The Italians, ditto, more weddings, where they sit around eating pasta made with tomatoes grown in polystyrene boxes in the front yard. The Lebanese have endless weddings, where they sit around inventing cumbers with edible skins.

Culture grows out of the land we live in, much like yogurt. Most of us here in this nacent nation haven’t been here long enough to create a culture, so maybe we should look to those who have, the local blackfellas. We may just find we have a lot more in common than we thought, such as camping. According to the stats, we are the most urbanized society ever invented, huddled together like ginea pigs, clinging as close to the edge of this vast continent as we can possibly get, starring longingly out to sea. But we do love the great outdoors, don’t we? You bet we do! Learned anthropologists have postulated that this quite possibly due in large part to the influence of the locals, they call them ‘aborigines’. These so-called Aborigines love nothing better than going camping, in fact their entire ‘life-style-choice’ is designed around the ability to pull up stumps and ‘go walk about’. No need to work overtime all year round to afford the airfare and the hotel and the restaurants and the exotic trinkets. Imagine the freedom of waking up one morning, any morning, grabbing your hunting gear and heading out on an adventure. No 20 kilo packs to lug, food and lodging provided as need be, and when you arrive your relies cook up a mouth-watering feast and put on a real song and dance to knock your socks off.

So we can see that the vagaries of the local climate dictate a nomadic lifestyle, including a life of feast & famine. None of this toiling all season and salting it away for the winter, to be nibbled one morsel at a time. When there was food you ate it all, when there was none, you went hungry. This life of feast & famine is yet another custom adopted and adapted from the locals. With the subtle difference that we have forgone the traditional famine bit, preferring instead, to feast pretty well constantly. In turn we have taught this recent adaptation to the blackfellas, with obvious consequences.

We can see that all true culture is shaped by our surroundings, and the elements of our surroundings that are unique is what will make us, in time unique. The unique climate created by the oscillations of El Nino have created a culture based on camping and partying (safe in the knowledge that it probably wont rain much for at least another few years.)

So what are some other unique aspects of the nature of our nature that is nurturing the unique nature of us?

Well, the place is very flat and very dry and very empty, (having decimated what few inhabitants there were) hence we have large cow farms that sport drovers with RM Williams boots and hats and a kelpie by their side, and feisty women who can ride a fucking horse and crack a whip.

We have more beaches per head than anywhere else except Canada, but most of theirs are frozen solid all year round (know anyone going on a surfing trip to Canada? No, l didn’t think so) Thus is born the surfing lifestyle – driving old Volvos, smoking bongs and eating junk food, getting up early to check the waves before going back to bed, roaming around the country in semi-nomadic fashion (just like the locals)

Fishing – Many of you may remember that oft quoted saying from the great Mao Tse Tung himself, that was drummed into us all throughout grade 3 Political History: “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day- teach a man to fish and he will spend every second weekend with his mate, sitting in a dingy in the middle of a lake, getting quietly sozzled. It is a well kept secret that the fish are of secondary importance and it is actually all about contemplating the awesome beauty of the natural world. (the Japanese have a special word for this; ‘shinrinyoku’ – forest bathing)

Alas and alak, these embryonic cultural practices have begun to die out before they are fully formed. As we speak they are being guzzumped by new cultural practices like Instagram. (my friend Alex says we should start Consider-a-gram, where every comment has a 24 hour delay before it can be posted. In Consider-a-gram it is a real no-no to boast about the great fun you are having, as it tends to have a deleterious effect on those not having an orgasmic experience every five minutes. In Consider-A-Gram we like to post about the truly boring time we are having so no one gets jealous.)

Yet another unique aspect of our way of life generated by the vast emptiness that engulfs us (literally as well as metaphorically) is immigration, immigration on a vast scale. We currently import more people per head than any other country on earth. (not counting refugees of course, because they don’t count). We may not be the most multi-cultural nation on the planet but we can argue that we are the most successful at it. (Just look at The U.S.A. – now referred to as the D.S.A.) We may be lacking in culture but we are not lacking in cultural choice. This has made us a nation of foodies. A whole new growth industry of people who get very well paid to eat food and talk about it while we watch.

(Back In my day if we uttered a single syllable at the dinner table we got a whack in the earhole.)

So to be an Australian is to be into eating food, strange, exotic food.

We are big eaters, now officially the biggest in the world.

 

The more we look, the more aspects of our way of life we find that are really quite unique and special, and the deeper we look, we see that these things have sprung from our unique geography. So to sum up l would venture to say that culture is a product of the interaction between geography and time, but most of us have not yet spent enough time here to acquire culture, nor have we spent enough time interacting with our geography or learning from those who have.

 

 

 

West Papua – A Short History

West Papua History

 

In 1949, Sukarno led Indonesia to independence from the Dutch, but West Papua remained under Dutch rule. After a while the Indonesians began threatening to take over West Papua from the Dutch. The Australians wanted the two halves of the Island of Papua reunited. (A very sensible idea, that would have avoided much future suffering) but John F. Kennedy would have none of it, so in 1963, The U.S. brokered an agreement with President Sukarno, where by the U.N. would run the province till it was handed over to Indonesia on the condition Indonesia organized a ‘Vote of Free Choice’ (some call a vote of no choice) within 7 years. None of the local Melanesian people were consulted, so they started their own independence movement, the O.P.M. – Organisasi Papua Merdeka (Papuan Freedom Organization) with the words

“We do not want modern life! We refuse any kinds of development: religious groups, aid agencies, and governmental organizations just Leave Us Alone!”

In 1965 the leftist Sukarno, was overthrown by the authoritarian dictator Suharto. Every member of the Communist Party of Indonesia they could find, was rounded up and murdered. One of the worst crimes against humanity of the 20th century.

In 1969 the Indonesians conducted the so called ‘act of free choice’:

It was run by the infamous TNI – Tentara National Indonesi ( the Indonesian Army, a law unto itself) The U.N. stipulated that every local Melanesian adult could vote,( over 900,000 people) but the T.N.I. hand picked 1000 village chiefs, whom they convinced, via threats and bribery, to throw in their lot with Indonesia. The vote was unanimous, quite an unusual outcome for a free democratic vote.

In July 1971 the Melanesian people of West Papua declared their independence, but unfortunately no one was listening, or almost no one. The Peoples Republic of West Papua is recognized by one country, Vanuatu. Very soon after, the Freeport mine began operation in the province, the largest and most profitable gold mine in the world. This mine remains the largest obstacle to independence for the people of West Papua.

 

Meanwhile, in 1975 there was a revolution in Portugal. In an act of gross irresponsibility, the Portuguese unburdened themselves of their remaining colonial assets, including Timor L’este. The Indonesians moved into the vacuum, snuffing out a brief flowering of freedom for the Timorese. It would be 25 years before they once more regained their sovereignty, due largely to the efforts of one man: Jose Ramos Horta, the Timorese ambassador to the U.N. who devoted his considerable diplomatic skills to putting the Tiny country on the map.

But West Papua is not Timor L’este. It was not administered by a European Colonial power for 500 years. It is not, and does not want to become, part of the modern world. An admirable ideal, but one that makes it very difficult to get heard in the clamour of the rat race. As the last of the unadulterated indigenous peoples of the world become swamped by the metastasizing cancer of Consumerism, keeping up the unique way of life of the people of West Papua becomes ever more precious, for them and for all of humanity.

 

Ben Laycock 2016

The Senate –A Cornucopia of Choices

HEALTH AUSTRALIA PARTY

Careful, this mob could well be a front for The Anti-vaccination Crusade, who fervently believe vaccination should be illegal rather than compulsory.

 

SOCIALIST EQUALITY PARTY

Lookout, this mob could well be a front for The Trotskyists – enthusiastic young revolutionaries directed to infiltrate Stalinist committees and make them unworkable.

Since the fall of The Soviet Union this strategy has been extended to all committees.

 

SOCIALIST ALLIANCE

BEWARE – these people are Card Carrying Communists

 

VOTEFLUX!

A web savvy mob who would like to introduce internet voting on specific issues. The entire country could vote on any issue that takes their fancy. Or the whole world could vote on how to run the whole world. This is definitely a visionary concept well worth considering

 

The CycIing Scientists  

We are really keen to create a whole new city especially for Nerds, so we can ride around on bicycles and figure out how to get to Mars via teleporting.

 

SUSTAINABLE AUSTRALIA

We want a smaller population for Oz, as well as smaller people. (apparently there is a drug to arrest human growth at the desirable size. At present this drug is only given to disabled kids so they don’t grow too big to carry, but if we all reduced our size by half we would naturally need only half as many resources and create half as many emissions. If we were the size of ants we could send half the world’s population to colonize Mars, in one spaceship.(if teleporting proves to be impractical)

Think about it. But not for too long .

 

PIRATE PARTY

This mob are Computer Nerds whose favourite sport is hacking.

They do have some affinity with the Cycling Scientists but would not be welcome in Nerd Utopia as they might fuck things up big time.

 

RENEWABLE ENERGY PARTY

Zero Emissions by 2050! Good Luck!

 

THE ARTS PARTY

This mob believe artists should be paid money for making art.

Whilst this novel idea would bring about a marked improvement in their general wellbeing, it would no doubt have a detrimental effect on their art, since, as we all know, great art emerges from great suffering. Alas, a pleasant life makes for pleasant art, at best.

 

SECULAR PARTY OF AUSTRALIA

This mob believe God Almighty is persecuting Atheists for their beliefs (or lack of them) They promise to introduce a law banning God from Australia. If she so much as sets foot on Australian soil, or makes her presence felt in some other occult way, she shall be incarcerated! No ifs, no buts!

 

MARRIAGE EQUALITY

This mob fight doggedly for Gays to have the right to get married, fight in the armed forces and become priests, blissfully unaware that these pursuits are no longer cool.

 

The Pot Party Party

This mob think pot is the panacea for everything, especially the decline in rural industry. There is apparently a vast pool of untapped experience in the area of marijuana cultivation. Some of our most skilled horticulturalists are languishing on the dole whilst little kiddies die for the want of Medicinal Marijuana.

 

AUSTRALIAN PROGRESSIVES

This lot believe in social progress(the development of human consciousness)

as opposed to industrial progress (digging shit up & selling it to China)

 

VOLUNTARY EUTHANASIA PARTY

We vow to commit suicide on mass if we are not given the right to die with dignity.

The Shooters Party has offered to help.

Have perennial problems with ever decreasing membership

 

MATURE AUSTRALIA

We want to grow old gracefully, unlike our sister party, who don’t seem to want to grow old at all.

Claim The Voluntary Euthenasia Party are poaching their members

 

Euthenasia Party

Similar to Voluntary Euthenasia Party but don’t feel it is necessary to ask first.

 

AUSTRALIAN SEXY PARTY PARTY

The Sexy Party says it’s not all about the sex.

They are actually looking for a committed long

term relationship with the voters.

Note-Funded by the Porn Industry

 

ANIMAL JUSTICE PARTY

Party Leader: Mr. Ed

Calling for voting rights for all animals, not just humans.

Should get the donkey vote if The Shooters Party don’t get them first

 

THE GREENIES

We Greenies are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.

We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.

 

LABOR

1 Wind not Coal

2 Trains not Trucks

3 Schools not Prisons

4 We are like the Liberals, but nicer

 

LIBERALS (Conservatives)

1 Coal not Wind

2 Trucks not Trains

3 Goals not Schools

Retrain teachers as prison guards.

“My new clients are more polite and less violent than my previous charges and the pay is better”

– Jenny; trainee guard at Loddon Prison

– former Prep teacher at Sleepy Hollow Primary

 

4 Decrease spending to zero and ultimately liquidate the Government

 

The Gnats

The Gnats once swarmed across the plains like locusts but are now a mere shadow of their former selves. Shriveling inexorably to the point where they could disappear up their own arsehole at any moment.

This is due largely to the natural attrition of death.

 

MFP

John Madigan’s Manufacturing & Farmers Party

Mad Dog Madigan would have to be The Patron Saint of Lost Causes.

No sooner does he raise the DLP from the grave than he reburies them even deeper and goes into bat for farming & manufacturing before they disappear altogether.

Claims to have invented the stump-jump plough.(along 47 other claimants)

 

SHOOTERS & ROOTERS PARTY

This gang claim to be the true conservationists; preserving wetlands and forest habitat for them to hunt in. Whilst it may be a noble act to kill wild animals to feed your hungry family, this is a far cry from killing them for the shear pleasure of killing. Whilst hunting for sport may be environmentally sustainable it is hardly morally defensible, as it tends to encourage unhealthy psychopathic tendencies amongst participants.

 

AUSTRALIAN MOTORING ENTHUSIAST PARTY

It seems the people of Victoria are not as enthusiastic about their motoring as we were led to believe, but Ricky has turned out to be a decent chap, and living proof that a Nobody plucked at random can turn out more worthy than those we felt we could trust.

 

AUSTRALIAN COUNTRY PARTY

(often confused with the Austrian Country Party, especially in Austria)

We have adopted the No Policy Policy.

All decisions will be arrived at through community consultation.

Whatever bills The Greens vote for we will oppose on principal, and vice-versa

 

DERRYN HINCH’S JUSTICE PARTY

Led by the eponymous Mr. Hinch, AKA – The Human Headline

Derryn’s main focus is on self justice. As we all know, poor Derryn has been treated shabbily by the justice system every time he deliberately floats the law to increase his ratings. Derryn’s concept of self-justice also involves justifying his reason to be alive. (the most obvious reason being that it is illegal kill people)

Derryn’s goal is to have the privilege of exposing suspected pedophiles in parliament, thus avoiding going back to gaol yet again.

 

Pauline’s Personal One Notion Party

Pauline’s policy is to be as politically incorrect as possible whenever she is given the opportunity. When Eddie Maguire expressed the desire to drown a journalist, Pauline said with a straight face “ Personally, I would gleefully drown them all”.

Well said Pauline. All publicity is good publicity, as they say.

 

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS (often confused with the Democratic Liberals)

This mob would like to do away with laws and governments altogether and replace them with private armies defending private wealth, not unlike the Dark Ages or ‘Game of Thrones’. Lots of sex, lots of wars, lots of blood, lots of fun!

Not to be confused with the Anarchists, who would also like to do away with laws and governments, but they would convince everyone to be nice to each other and share everything so guns and money would be redundant.

 

FAMILY FIRST PARTY

“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party

Our detractors call us The White Anty Party

We are anti action on climate change

Anti Government

Anti Tax

Anti Unions

Anti Drugs

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Abortion

But Pro Life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)

 

RISE UP AUSTRALIA  

-We do not sell Viagra

Possibly the most extreme far right of the gaggle of extreme far right parties on display,

and they do have some stiff opposition. (no pun intended)

Their glorious leader, one Daniel Nalliah of the infamous Catch Fire Ministries

Is quoted as saying soon after the Black Saturday Bushfires that killed over 200 people, “This is God’s punishment for Victorians allowing abortion.”

 

Assorted Bigots Lucky Dip

 

JACQUI LAMBIE NETWORK

CHRISTIAN DEMOCRATIC PARTY (FRED NILE GROUP)

AUSTRALIAN LIBERTY ALLIANCE

CITIZENS ELECTORAL COUNCIL

AUSTRALIAN CHRISTIANS

 

NICK XENOPHON TEAM

Nice guy Nick takes a Big Gamble and goes national. Good Luck Nick!

 

The Recycling Party

We recycle everyone else’s policies ad infinitum

 

The Dog Walkers & Pet Groomers Party

Dog walking and pet grooming should be compulsory

This would provide much needed employment opportunities for dog walkers and pet groomers, and the dogs like it too.

 

Random Wannabees

Loners who can’t muster 500 other loners to form a Loners Party

 

The Neoliberal Doctrine

The term neoliberal was invented in 1938 at the height of the Keynesian ascendancy, but was not adopted worldwide until the 1980s, championed by Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan.

The neoliberal doctrine goes like this:

Competition is the basis for all human interaction.

Margaret Thatcher sums this up neatly with the famous quote:

“There is no such thing as society, only the individual.”

There is a natural hierarchy of winners and losers.

Winners are rewarded with a monopoly, losers with bankruptcy.

The basic unit is the consumer who is free to exercise their right to choose.

$1 = 1 vote in the consumer democracy.

All social problems can be dealt with by applying the laws of Supply Demand.

Every individual is given an opportunity to accumulate wealth, no matter what handicaps they begin with.

Those that fall by the wayside have only themselves to blame.

It works like this:

Install white ants at the centre of State power whose job is to cut taxes, thus starving the state of the ability to adequately fund the functions of the State, rendering them dysfunctional and ripe for take over by the corporate sector, whilst building resentment against the state itself at the same time. Neat hey?

Here in Australia, while the Liberal Party aggressively pursues the Neoliberal agenda, the Labor Party reluctantly follows in its footsteps:

A freeze on new taxes, trade liberalization, privatization of infrastructure, education, health etc,.

At the same time Labor doggedly clings to the good old tried and true Keynseyan doctrine:

Promote economic growth by stimulating consumer demand.

A simple doctrine from a bygone era before Climate Change, rescource depletion, pollution and mass extinctions reared their ugly heads.

The Libs prefer to stimulate growth by giving tax breaks to Corporations in the vain hope they will reinvest it rather than salt it away in offshore tax havens.

The Greens on the other hand don’t seem to be so keen on Keynes or Neoliberalism, as they are both a direct threat to the environment and social justice, but they are very cagy about exactly what they would replace them with if they were in power.

 

 

The Land of the Fair Go

Bad News!

The Liberals will win this election.

No Federal Government has been chucked out of office after one turn since The Great Depression

This is the land of the Fair Go. After you have had a fair go, you give the other mob a go. This is called Democracy.

The Libs will win this election because it will be decided by people who do not care about politics, people motivated by pure self interest, who will vote for whomever has the most to offer them personally. This is called ‘The U-Jack Society – “Fuck you Jack, I’m alright”.

The Libs will win this election because, despite Oz being THE richest country on earth ( and daylight comes second) most people are worried about the economy, and voters consistently rate the Libs as being more competent with money, as they are very adept at accumulating it.

We live in a Neoliberal paradigm – Winner takes all!

If you are a winner you vote Liberal as they will safeguard your money from the marauding hoards. You don’t have to worry about education or health because your kids go to private school and have private health insurance.

If you are a loser you vote Labor because they will pay for your kids education and keep you alive in your old age.

However, there are some winners who vote Green because of their compassionate policy towards losers.

 

Disclaimer: I have bet a large sum of money on The Libs based on this assumption. Of course I would be overjoyed to lose it all, but I would be even happier to back a winner. Losers suck!

Voting stats for Bendigo & Castlemaine

Let’s look at the stats for Bendigo in the last federal election in 2013

 

Labor just squeaked in with 51% -phew!

– after getting 80% of Greens preferences (the last to be knocked out, except the Libs)

That looks close doesn’t it?

But don’t get too excited, no one is predicting an upset here.

When Lisa Chesters took over from Steve Gibbons the vote dropped 8%

Now that we have all got used to Lisa, her vote should go back up again.

The Greens vote dropped from 12% to 9% in 2013 but it looks like it will bounce back this time and may even get a top up. At the present rate of growth The Greens should take the seat before the end of the century, if all goes according to plan.

 

Primary votes

Labor 36%

Libs 40%

Greens 9%

Assorted Nutjobs 5%

Informal 5%

Gnats 5% (slightly less than Informal – how embarrassing!)

 

Preferances

The Gnats got up to 7% before being knocked out.

Labor got 30% of their preference and Greens got 12%

Greens got up to 12% before being knocked out

The Libs got 18% of their preferences and Labor got the rest

Now let’s have a squizz at the stats for our little shire here in Sleepy Hollow

I have painstakingly gone to the trouble of collating the stats from all eleven booths in our shire in order to get a glimpse into our own little bubble.

 

Primary votes

Labor 38%

Libs 30%

Greens 20%

Gnats 3%

Assorted Nutjobs 9%

 

Two Party Preferred

Labor 63%

Libs 37%

Now let’s get up close and personal –

 

Top Booth for the Greens

Guildford – 28% Well done team!

The Greens out voted the Liberals in only 2 booths

Castlemaine North and Guildford

(possibly the only 2 booths to do so outside inner-city Melbourne)

Highest Labor vote in the entire electorate:

Castlemaine North – 70% (TPP)

Bendigo Candidates 2016

A ‘rundown’ of the candidates in Bendigo

 

We have several candidates running for election, others standing for office, and one sitting member. As it is a race l would personally back the runners.

Here is a brief ‘rundown’ of the motley crew.

Please don’t take this expression literally. No one will actually be run down by any sort of vehicle, except the blokes, as they are fair game. But we will be using this bulletin as a vehicle to run down the candidates metaphorically.

 

Let’s start of with the wanabees that are pretty run down to start with….

 

Andy Madison – Nationals

Andy had this to say to his constituents :

“We are a party of weary old cockies

We believe in ‘Agrarian Socialism’, which differs from traditional Stalinism in that we get to keep all our profits but share our loses with the community.

We love farmers but we prefer miners, especially Frackers.

We love nature but we prefer grass

We are an independent party that always votes with the Libs

Traditionally we have sat back and watched as our country towns are gutted and the rural economy collapses, along with our vote. We often wring our hands over this dilemma but what can we do? We begged the Liberals to fix it but they said no.

We are in favor of A.I. (Artificial Insemination – not Amnesty International)”

 

Alan Howard – Family First

Alan had this to say to his constituents :

“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party

Our detractors call us The White Anty Party

We are anti action on climate change

Anti Government

Anti Tax

Anti Unions

Anti Drugs

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Abortion

But pro life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)

Alan also said: “As a qualified marriage celebrant l feel qualified to give my unqualified support for Homophobia. My opinion differs somewhat from the official Wahabi doctrine that all homosexuals should be beheaded with a rusty sword. Being a man of boundless tolerance l think it is OK for gay people to form some sort of unholy union as long as they don’t call it marriage, perhaps a ‘License to Commit Sodomy’ or something similar.”

 

Anita Donlon – Independent

Though swearing black and blue to be an independent, Google tells us (and Google never lies) that Ms Donlon first saw the light of day as one of Clive’s P.U.P.s, (the runt of the litter, no doubt). After that party sank in spectacular fashion like The Titanic itself, Anita appears to have jumped into bed with the infamous U.P.F. (Unfriendly People Front) And you know what they say, ‘if you lie with dogs, you will get up with fleas’.

But to give her credit where credit is due, that is not the only spectacular failure to dog her nascent career. Anita’s main claim to fame is playing a leading role in the unmitigated failure of the ‘Stop the Mosque’ campaign.

A grudge she took all the way to the highest court in the land, only to be knocked back before even getting a foot in the door with these immortal words:, “Go home lady,you’re dreamin’’

But when all is said and done and the dust has settled, and the mighty edifice is built, and the morning prayer blares from the towering minaret at 5am day after day ad infinitum, we may find our religious tolerance to be sorely tested.

More Info…

 

Sandra Caddy – Rise Up Australia

Ms Caddy had this to say to her constituents:

“Contrary to popular opinion our party is not calling for general insurrection, or not yet, anyway.

Nor are we trying to sell Viagra

We are appealing to all those who suffer from the dreadful affliction of Phobism, especially our loyal supporters in the United Patriots Front.

Phobism is a communicable disease contacted through rubbing shoulders with mobs of frenzied zealots.

Sandra says: “My favourite phobias are:

Islamaphobia, (fear of Mosques)

Homophobia (fear of gay people)

Theophobia (fear of God)

Xenophobia (fear of foreigners called Nick)”

If you would like all your phobias exposed in parliament then join us in

The Party of Fear

 

More info…..

 

the others didn’t get a photo coz they weren’t sexy enough

Megan Purcell

Megal Purcell – Liberal

Ms Purcell had this to say to her constituents:

“I am a celebrity. You’ve probably seen me on T.V.

I began my illustrious career as a ‘Bundy Girl’

I soon rocketed to stardom on ‘Farmer wants a wife’ where I fell deeply in love with Julz, a cow farmer from Na Na Goon, but he measured my hips and found them too narrow for childbearing.

If elected l will remove the ‘Bundy Tax’ on alcho-pops

I will make Bundy the national currency like it was in the good old days

  • that’s history kids – Google it on your WiFi.

I am a true-blue, dinky-di Ozy girl from the wee hamlet of Maldon, where little has changed since we dispersed the natives and set up boutique homeware shops.

If elected I will make Maldon the next Sovereign Hill

I hearby challenge all the other contestants to a wet T-shirt contest.

Free Bundy for all!”

 

Ruth Paramore – Animal Justice

Ms Paramore had this to say to her constituents:

“We love cats.

We sincerely believe animals should have the same rights as humans,

The right to vote

The right to carry guns

The right to mate with other animals of a similar gender

The right to build mosques

Until our animal friends learn to speak we vow to speak up in their defense.”

4 legs good!

2 legs bad!

 

Lisa Chesters – Labor

Ms Chesters had this to say to her constituents:

“I know you are heartily sick of banging on about a lot of nonsense so l will just say this:In this election it is important to vote for my party because it is not as right wing as the Liberal Party”

 

Rosemary Glacier – Greens

Rosie says: “Here at the Greens we are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.

We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.”

Help halt Climate Change – Put a Glacier in Parliament!

 

 

Strider Cam

Cam Walker spends most of his time running. He is run off his feet running campaigns at Friends of the Earth, running around Victoria helping angry people get organized: People in Anglsea who are sick of smog from the coal fired aluminium smelter at their doorstep, that is now closed, tick that off the ‘things-to-do’ list, well done team, running around Gippsland helping farmers oppose fracking. There is now a moratorium on fracking right across Victoria, tick that off the ‘things-to-do’ list, well done team.
In his peripatetic wanderings, his ceaseless circumnavigation of Gippsland, one fine day Cam found himself in Mafra addressing a hall packed to the rafters with angry farmers and loggers. A scene that whisked him back to his misspent youth some 30 years ago, when, upon arriving in this very same town to stir up trouble and ferment unrest, as is his want, he was chassed down the street and given a kicking by an angry mob, possibly the very same loggers and farmers who were now cheering him on.
Change is in the air. People who have never protested about anything in their whole lives are suddenly defending their land with a passion, threatening to blockade the roads with tractors and build walls of flaming hay bales. Loggers are standing shoulder to shoulder with ferals. Potato farmers are joining the Greens for Crist’s sake. Immovable rocks are getting up and jumping the fence.
Something is afoot. Humble people from all walks of life are taking great strides on the long march to a glorious new world. (sorry, got a bit carried away there) And who, you may ask, has cobbled together this unlikely coalition of disparate segments of society, and set them marching as one on the long walk to freedom? Who is it we see striding forward at the vanguard of this nascent movement? Why, Cam Walker of course, doing what he has done all his life, doing what he does best, leading the way. That’s why we call him Strider.
It just so happens that on his travels he will be passing through Castlemaine this weekend, and he has graciously offered to hang around for a while and tell us all about his various, nefarious shenanigans.
Cam will be talking at the Local Lives – Global Matters conference on Saturday 17th October at 2 o’clock at the Phee Broadway Theatre
He will be free to sign autographs after the performance.

Ben Laycock 2015

Shooters party policy

Shooters

 

Opposes

 

Action on Climate Change because it doesn’t exist

More marine parks & National Parks

Vehemently opposes any form of gun control what-so-ever

(Our guns are needed to defend ourselves from the Government when they come to take our guns away)

 

Supports

 

Small business over big business

More competition and control of duopolies (Coles & Woolworths) & quadropolies (the 4 big banks)

More defence spending

More live cattle exports

More land clearing

More dams, irrigation & agriculture

More controlled burning

More firewood harvesting

More logging of old growth forests

More grazing in National Parks

More harvesting of feral animals

More severe treatment of refugees

More oil, uranium & coal, especially brown coal

Less investment in alternative energy

Less foreign investment in land

Less foreign aid

 

Equates animal liberation with terrorism

Disclaimer: this data has been gleaned from the A.J.P. website

(not entirely verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis, except this one)sh