Sex party policy

Sex

 

Warning! This party has jumped into bed with the Rock & Roll Party,

Forming an unholy alliance with unpredictable consequences.

 

Support:

Freedom of Expression. No censorship of artists.

Abolishion of the Monarchy (The Queen to be executed by guillotine – Tickets available on Ticket Master, broadcast live on Youtube)

 

24 hour Public Transport

Recognition that blackfellas exist outside the prison system

Bill of Rights

Abolition of the states (including the United States- eradicating a duplication of oppression)

A secular state – banish all references to Christianity from the constitution

More privacy – less surveillance

More compassionate justice:

Shorter Sentences (ideally less than 1 line or 12 words max – no long words either)

A less punitive approach to justice –

Less mandatory sentencing – (let the judges do their job!)

Re-introduce suspended sentences – (give the poor bloody miscreants a second chance for Christ’s sake!)

Voluntary Euthanasia (especially for politicians. In fact let’s talk about involuntary euthanasia for certain politicians)

Professional sex workers on the beat – reject the nordic model, which criminalizes clients (AND forces sex workers to stand around semi-naked in below freezing temperatures.)

Churches (and other Pedophile Support Groups) paying their fair share of tax.

(No More Religious Bludgers!)

A bill of rights

More transparency in government

Immediate action on climate change to restore a safe climate

Reducing emissions to almost zero

A special court for domestic violence

A woman’s right to choose abortion

I.V.F. access and adoption rights for gay people

Same sex marraige

A holistic, community, prevention based approach to health

Dedicated sexual health clinics

Stem cell research

Strengthening privacy laws

 

 

Relevent Quote:

Religion is like a penis. It’s fine to have one, it’s good to be proud of it, but don’t go waving it around in public, and don’t shove it down our children’s throats.

Disclaimer: this data has been gleaned from the A.J.P. website

(not entirely verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis, except this one)

Rise up Oz

Rise Up Australia

Contrary to popular misconceptions this is not a clarion call for mass insurrection

 

Opposes:

 

Multiculturalism- Those from non anglo-saxon cultures should be required to abandon their wicked ways and adopt Ozy culcha (whatever that may be)

They will however, be allowed to maintain their ethic background as that would be difficult, if not impossible to eradicate without retrospective legislation.

Sharia Law becoming the law of the land,(do not fear, this is not imminent)

Foreign ownership of Australia

Interference by such bodies as the I.M.F., W.T.O. U.N. W.W.F. and other such acronyms, who coerce us into abiding by accepted international norms of civilized behavior.

Prostitution, Pornography & Pot

Gamboling

Abortion -The Party vehemently supports the rights of the unborn from the moment of conception (2 cells)over the rights of a pregnant woman.

(This position places the party slightly to the right of Ghengis Khan, who as you are no doubt aware, was in favor of abortion under certain circumstances: namely, when the woman was not impregnated him. Luckily, at that time; circa1234, this constituted quite a small proportion Mongolian women)

Tax (except Tobin Tax – see below)

Monopolies, Duopolies, (Coles & Woolies) Quadropolies (The big bad banks)

The free market – We should impose tariffs on goods produced by unfair working conditions, especially wages far below our own, like $2 a day.

( This could be greatly enhanced by fostering strong trade unions in those countries)

Religious Vilification Act – This act inhibits free speech, (especialy the freedom to freely vilify Muslims)

Same Sex Marriage – (surprise, surprise)

Voluntary Euthanasia

The establishment of all religious states except the Jewish State of Israel

and the Christian State of Australia

Environment: Ban abortions so God does not punish us with bushfires

(This somewhat tenuous link implies that The Almighty himself practices collective punishment – the idea that we one should punish many for the ‘sins’ of the few – not unlike punishing asylum seekers to stop people smuggling.)

 

Support:

 

More houses for everyone. Release more land

Decentralization

Tobin Tax– this would raise revenue from the billions of electronic financial transactions that take place every day

 

Climate Change

 

No policy required to tackle a non-existent problem

Quote from website:

“The idea of man-made climate change is a quasi religious hypothesis unproven by objective scientific facts”

(not to be confused with the concept of God)

 

 

Disclaimer: This data has been gleaned from the Rise Up website

(not entirely verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

 

 

People power policy

People Power

 

Balance the Budget ( weather by increasing taxes or cutting spending is not clear)

Support:

THE reduction of illicit drug use by suggestion and coercion ( Good luck – if you have any effect what so ever please notify the rest of the world)

Voucher s for all students so they can go to private schools on government hand outs

Small bisness – less corporate subsidies

Localism – devolution of authority Community Insurance

Less subsidies to fossil fuel producers

Less prisons – shorter sentences – more help for recidivists – remove the mentally ill from goals ( the mentally ill and the mentally challenged make up a significant proportion of the prison population and the State Parliament)

Less ‘silos’ in quasi-government organisations, (quangos) especially the Wheat Board

Less Public Liability Litigation, reducing the control that insurance companies wield over our daily lives

Tackling the housing crisis by releasing more land for public housing and reducing the minimum size limit for housing blocks in the country ( Yes, for us people who live here that means those annoying neighbors just got a lot closer. On the other hand, we can subdivide, make killing and go further out and repeat the process, providing the keeps up the demand for land by importing 200,000 imigrants every year)

More solar power

More bounties on feral animals ( and Fundamentalist Christians)

More support for Dads and grandparents in family disputes

Small government – Largese to go directly to comunites and families.

Temporary Protection Visas for refugees – Send them home to their fate after their little holiday, or tow them back to Indonesia and abandon them.

 

Oppose:

Corporate and union donations to political parties.

(For donations to individuals see below)

Government funding for political parties( presumably because this favors the poor and downtrodden who would otherwise have difficulty matching the contributions of the filthy rich. We need look no further than the U.S.A. to see the results of this policy)

Off shore processing of refugees and cattle

 

Warning – This is just a rough framework. In the unlikely event of The Party being elected, members will be free to do whatever takes their fancy (This, of course, could be interpreted as an open and very public invitation to indulge in corruption. Or to put it another way. Lobbyists are encouraged to pressure individual members rather than the Party as a whole)

 

Conclusion:

A rather vague and wishy-washy party whose fundamental goal is that everyone should be nice to each other. Free hugs all round. Good Luck!

Disclaimer: this data has been gleaned from the A.J.P. website

(not entirely verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis, except this one)

 

Palmer Promotion Party

Palmer United Person Party 

(Also kown as the P.P.P.- The Palmer Promotion Party)

 

It should be noted before we forensically scrutinize the policies of this particular party in any great detail, that they have not yet divulged any actual policies what-so-ever. However, the astute political analyst should be able to glean the general thrust of Clive’s personal take on life by reading his prodigious utterances on everything that he comes across.

Clive supports:

Refugees:

Surprisingly, Professor Palmer, of all people, appears to have THE most enlightened policy on refugees of all the major parties, closely followed by The Greens, with everyone else trailing way back in the field.

Clive says,” Let all the refugees fly in by airoplane, process then quickly and give them jobs in my coal mine. (A simple solution for simple people. Hey Proffesor Palmer, haven’t you forgotten there are over 20 million refugees. Just how many coal mines do you have?)

 

 

Abolition of Paid Lobbyists – (let the politicians lobby for themselves)

Defederalise the distribution of Government largesse. – Let the areas that produce the wealth retain the wealth. ( This is a very effective method of stopping all those dirty poor people taking money from the filthy rich.)

 

Live Cattle Exports

More funding for Private Schools – especially mine; ?

 

 

More ethanol in petrol ( Promts one to poner, does Proffesor Palmer own an Ethanol producing factory?)

Less taxes for the rich – More taxes for the poor (Rational: The rich re-invest their money in the economy while the poor waist all their money on food and rent)

Re-introduction of the Fringe Benefit Tax so executives can go out to lunch with their mates once again without the burden of paying for it. This will decrees the dangerous lack of social interaction for a group of isolated, alienated, lonely misfits who would otherwise eat their cucumber sandwiches alone in at their desks.

Breaking News – J.Bjelke Peterson (John not Jo fewh!) now second in command, after the untimely departure of Senator Lambie due to ‘unreconcilable breakdown’ and unresolved issues around inflatable egos.

Disclaimer: this data has been gleaned from the A.J.P. website

(not entirely verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis, except this one)

Liberal Party policy

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Liberal Party

( Big L liberals, not small l liberals, actually Big C conservatives)

 

Promises

More money for everything (especially goals)

More everything for everyone

Lower taxes

More services

To do all the things we forgot to to do this time

“A week is a long time in politics, but 4 years seems to whizz by in no time”

– Dennis the Menace

Not to break any promises, especially the promises we broke last time

 “Cross my heart and hope to die – l swear on my puppy’s grave” – Denis the Menace

 

Local content targets for major infrastructure project (Alas, though their targets are big, their aim is poor)

More jobs than the Labor Party promises, to replace a small portion of the jobs lost over the last 4 years

More Police, transit police, prison guards, security guards, attack dogs, surveillance, etc., etc.

To get tough on crime:

         Harsher sentences

More mandatory sentences

          More prevention (We will lock up the miscreants BEFORE they commit the crime)

         Less parole

         10 year minimum for a ‘coward punch’ (exemption for sitting M.P.s)

More public transport than the Labor Party promises

To build more hospitals and schools than we did this time(not very difficult)

To build more goals than we did this time (quite difficult)

Not to finish building Castlemaine Secondary College (as this was a Labor idea in the first place and will only make them look good)

To decrease the cost of ambulance cover (by under paying Ambos)

Cut work cover premiums (and entitlements)

Cut payroll tax (by cutting pay)

Sell all our profitable assets (to our mates)

Taller skyscrapers (taller than the Labor Party’s)

More high density housing in Labor strongholds

More goals in Labor strongholds

Less high density housing in leafy eastern suburbs

More, bigger, longer, taller, wider bridges, canals, light houses, piers, phone towers, stadiums, golf courses, race tracks, goals and anything we can think of.

More roads, bigger roads, better roads, wider roads, longer roads

More, bigger, better, longer, darker tunnels

Less potholes 

 

Environment –Recurrent funding for ghost Landcare groups

(can be recycled indefinitely – very green)

 

Climate Change, what climate change?

 

 

 

This  data has been extracted from the Liberal party website (not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

 

L.D.P. policy

Liberal Democratic Party

(not to be confused with the Liberal Party, who are neither liberal, nor democratic)

 

This party is by far THE most consistent an easiest to decifer of all the myriad parties lusting for Power at this election.

Their basic philosophy can be summed up by the idea of the less government interference in our lives the better. This may appear at first blush to resemble the Anarchist philosophy, but there is one significant difference, and that is the right to bear arms and defend your property from those who have none.

Support:

Gay Marriage, and any other marriage for that matter.

Small Government

Free Trade

The Free Market

Voluntary Euthenasia

Legalisation of Pot

Citizen Initiated Referenda

Recall Elections – Where citizens can gather together and demand a re appraisal of a particularily unscrupulous

Voluntary Voting (One must be very careful here as your very own supporters are likely to be the first to take up their new-found freedom and neglect to vote, thus contributing to a significant erosion of your most vital support base)

Vouchers for school kids ( unlimited government funding for elitist schools)

Oppose:

No criminalization of victimless crimes.

Definition: activities in which the participant is the only person likely to suffer adverse consequences. Such as:

Dangerous and unwise actions such as failing to wear a seatbelt or helmet, BASE jumping and bungy jumping.

Pornography involving adults by adults (with safeguards to protect children).

Abortion – other than late term abortions where the foetus would be viable if born naturally.

Prostitution involving adults.

Assisted suicide where a free and informed choice has been made.

Public nudity and fornication

Smoking Pot

 

Government ownership of the A.B.C., S.B.S. or anything else for that matter

(Let more qualified people like Mr. Murdoch look after that)

No subsidies – No buts

No foreign aid (awe, that’s a bit mean isn’t it )

No controls on gamboling

Suicide- the only crime where the act is legal but the accomplice is a criminal

 

No government education beyond year 12 (Turn in your grave, Gough)

No Government emasculation of trade Unions.

 

All of these positions share the common principle of decreasing the role of government. They differ from “left-wing” people who often want the government to control the economy but not our social lives, and from “right-wing” people who want the government to control our social lives but not the economy.

 

As we can see, it is quite easy to second guess the Party line on any particular issue, thus doing away with the many shocks and surprises of modern politics.

Ah, if only life was that simple.

 

This data has been extracted from the L.D.P. website (not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

 

 

Family Fist policy

Family First

(an extreme far right Christian Fundamentalist Party – see Australian Taliban)

 

More cash for stay-at-home mums (sorry Dads, you miss out)

More support for carrers

Harsher penalties for Drug offences (and everything else, for that matter)

Increase in foreign aid to 1% of budget

Housing-Increase via selling more land, removing urban growth boundaries and zoning restrictions around towns. (open slather-developers salivating already)

Education

More cash for private schools.

More autonomy for private schools (especially fundamentalst Christian schools)

More rights for the disabled

Less rights for workers

Flat Tax Policy (to match flat earth policy)

20% Tax Free 20% Company Tax 20% PersonaL Tax (a simple tax for simple people)

Less regulation for small bisiness

More roads, bigger roads, better roads

Less mining tax

Less payroll tax

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Gay Marriage

Anti De facto relationships

Anti Divorce (basically F.F. believe the offspring of these relationships are usually worse people than the offspring of monogamous heterosexual married couples)

Anti Abortion (It is estimated that if this policy is implemented around the world, the population would at least double and continue to grow exponentially until life became so intolerable, children would sue their parents for being born. Perhaps this undesirable outcome could be avoided if Family First offered to care for all unwanted pregnancies forced to full term for the rest of their lives)

Climate Change Deniers

“The climate changes all the time, big deal, get over it”

“Carbon Dioxide is not a pollutant, it is a plant food. It has no effect on climate”.

“The climate debate is not settled and never will be”.

The right to private property is THE most fundamental right for all Australians, including kooris*.

(except for those without any, including Kooris who had theirs stolen)

This involves stealing as much land as possible from the original inhabitants, then enshrining that theft in the Constitution as The Right to Private Property.

Once Koories have individual ownership of land they should be encouraged to sell it as soon as possible, so they can assimilate, (join the ‘rat race’) move to the city and live happily ever after.

Basic Philosophy – Zero Tolerance for just about everything

This data has been extracted from the F.F. website (not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

*Indiginous owners of South Eastern Australia

 

 

 

Cuntree Alliance policy

Country Alliance

 

An alliance of loggers, fishermen (sorry ladies),farmers shooters and bush abusers.

Support:

Country of origin food labeling

More funding for agricultural research

Live Cattle Exports (occasionally reclassified as dead cattle imports upon arrival, after their long and arduous journey across the sea)

Offshore processing of livestock and refugees

More T.A.F.E. funding

More mandatory sentencing

Less discretion for judges

More discretion for police issuing speeding fines (to take bribes)

Decentralization of Parks Victoria & D.E.P.I. (to the Simpson Desert)

More drinking water in ‘the bush’ ( this will help reduce the number of deaths from thirst)

More doctors for ‘the bush’

More, bigger, better roads in ‘the bush’

Less mobile black spots in ‘the bush

Less bush in ‘the bush’

More fishing, hunting, shooting off-road driving & horse riding in National Parks (Parks to be renamed Ingland)

More boat ramps in Ingland

Special off-road licenses for 14-18 year olds (valid only in Ingland)

More fishing in Marine Parks (Marine Parks to be renamed Fun Parks)

Less Marine Parks

Less National Parks

Open season on water birds (could be extended to all other wild animals if bird stocks dwindle drastically. All endangered birds shot accidentally to be cryogenically frozen until such time as they can be resuscitated)

More hunting of feral animals for pleasure.

Small business V Duopoly (Coles & Woolies)

More logging of old growth forests for toilet paper

Animal Rights – to graze in National Parks

Climate Change

‘The greatest challenge the humans have ever faced’

– Banky Moon, President of The United Nations

‘Does not exist so no need for a policy’ – Cuntree Alliance

 

This data has been extracted from the A.C.A. website

(not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

 

 

 

Labor policy

 

Small L liberal (Liberal Lite)

Promises

Signature promises:

1 Ban puppy farms

-Bitches to be limited to 5 litters each (if successful this policy could be extended to humans)

2 Make grand final day a public holiday (blatant populism of the first order)

3 Make Easter Monday a public holiday (but only for practicing Christians – 7% of the population and plumeting)

4 Change number plates to: Victoria – The State ov Ejukayshun

 

More money for everything than the Libs

More everything for everyone than the Libs

More trains than the Libs, including 24 hour trains on weekends (complete with free berokas, panadol and soft pillows

Less tunnels than the Libs

A Royal Commision into domestic violence

Less money for Local Councils –Capped rates

More money for Ambos, nurses, firies and teachers + anyone else who wants it

Cancer compo for firefighters to be paid before they die rather than after

Bendigo to Wandong bike trail

Environmental & animal laboratory in Bendigo (for conducting gruesome experiments on animals, no doubt)

Community sports facilities, especially women’s change rooms (for changing clothes, not gender) At present they are often forced to change behind the bushes where perverts might be lurking

Grow Barramundi in abandoned pits at Hazelwood power station (one of their more bizzare ideas but could have legs if we can export them to Darwin)

More walking trails to major centres (cutting emmisions and keeping fit)

More cash for Stawell Gift (to bring out Oscar Pistrius, who has had his legs confiscated to dissuade him from absconding)

More fish for recreational anglers:

Including sex education for target species to boost fish stocks

A selective breading program to produce slower, dumber fish

A selective breeding program to produce smarter anglers

No more National Parks

More support for LGBTGDs* including dedicated councilors in every secondary school (Suggestion – Cut funding for religious schools that refuse to support LGBTGDs)

Dedicated commissioner for gender and sexuality(first job would be teaching the mug punters what LGBTGD actually stands for, then assisting LGBTGDs to work out which pidgeon hole they would like to nest in, if any)

Encourage people to take less drugs (good luck) including:

A crackdown on crack

A freeze on ice

Halt the spread of black ice on the Calder freeway (by heating bridges)

Build a bigger stadium in Bendigo than the Libs (more blatant populism)

 

Boost immunization levels by introducing:

No Jab – No Play unimmunized children to be banned from childcare, except for conscientious objectors (who will presumably be required to supply their own personal escape-proof bubble)

No jab no family tax benefit, no childcare benefit, (no lollies at play time)

 

Arrest the epidemic of mental health problems (free happy pills at McDonalds)

Climate Change

More education, including:

Music to be taught in every school (Lib kids to learn drums at home)

Ignore the environment altogether unless the Libs mention it.

Breakfast to be served in every school to combat truancy (Bread & butter for state schools, wine & waifers for the catholics salmon and sour cream for the private schools kiddies)

Finish C.S.C. intergration (at last)

“This is an area best left up to the Greens” – Senator Moore/Browncoal

More overseas junkets

Remove 50 level crossings

Reduce double crossings(that’s for you Mr.Shaw)

Think up an environment policy before the election. (could include

growing mushrooms in the East-West tunnel – or is that agriculture policy?)

Take action on Climate Change

  • Reduce wind farm residential exclusion zone from 2ks to 1k
  • Keep Coal fired power station exclusion zone at 50metres

 

*Lesbian Gay Bisexual Gender Diverse (or maybe Gender? Don’t know)

 

 

 

This data has been extracted from the Labor website

(not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)