Voting stats for Bendigo & Castlemaine

Let’s look at the stats for Bendigo in the last federal election in 2013

 

Labor just squeaked in with 51% -phew!

– after getting 80% of Greens preferences (the last to be knocked out, except the Libs)

That looks close doesn’t it?

But don’t get too excited, no one is predicting an upset here.

When Lisa Chesters took over from Steve Gibbons the vote dropped 8%

Now that we have all got used to Lisa, her vote should go back up again.

The Greens vote dropped from 12% to 9% in 2013 but it looks like it will bounce back this time and may even get a top up. At the present rate of growth The Greens should take the seat before the end of the century, if all goes according to plan.

 

Primary votes

Labor 36%

Libs 40%

Greens 9%

Assorted Nutjobs 5%

Informal 5%

Gnats 5% (slightly less than Informal – how embarrassing!)

 

Preferances

The Gnats got up to 7% before being knocked out.

Labor got 30% of their preference and Greens got 12%

Greens got up to 12% before being knocked out

The Libs got 18% of their preferences and Labor got the rest

Now let’s have a squizz at the stats for our little shire here in Sleepy Hollow

I have painstakingly gone to the trouble of collating the stats from all eleven booths in our shire in order to get a glimpse into our own little bubble.

 

Primary votes

Labor 38%

Libs 30%

Greens 20%

Gnats 3%

Assorted Nutjobs 9%

 

Two Party Preferred

Labor 63%

Libs 37%

Now let’s get up close and personal –

 

Top Booth for the Greens

Guildford – 28% Well done team!

The Greens out voted the Liberals in only 2 booths

Castlemaine North and Guildford

(possibly the only 2 booths to do so outside inner-city Melbourne)

Highest Labor vote in the entire electorate:

Castlemaine North – 70% (TPP)

Bendigo Candidates 2016

A ‘rundown’ of the candidates in Bendigo

 

We have several candidates running for election, others standing for office, and one sitting member. As it is a race l would personally back the runners.

Here is a brief ‘rundown’ of the motley crew.

Please don’t take this expression literally. No one will actually be run down by any sort of vehicle, except the blokes, as they are fair game. But we will be using this bulletin as a vehicle to run down the candidates metaphorically.

 

Let’s start of with the wanabees that are pretty run down to start with….

 

Andy Madison – Nationals

Andy had this to say to his constituents :

“We are a party of weary old cockies

We believe in ‘Agrarian Socialism’, which differs from traditional Stalinism in that we get to keep all our profits but share our loses with the community.

We love farmers but we prefer miners, especially Frackers.

We love nature but we prefer grass

We are an independent party that always votes with the Libs

Traditionally we have sat back and watched as our country towns are gutted and the rural economy collapses, along with our vote. We often wring our hands over this dilemma but what can we do? We begged the Liberals to fix it but they said no.

We are in favor of A.I. (Artificial Insemination – not Amnesty International)”

 

Alan Howard – Family First

Alan had this to say to his constituents :

“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party

Our detractors call us The White Anty Party

We are anti action on climate change

Anti Government

Anti Tax

Anti Unions

Anti Drugs

Anti Euthenasia

Anti Abortion

But pro life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)

Alan also said: “As a qualified marriage celebrant l feel qualified to give my unqualified support for Homophobia. My opinion differs somewhat from the official Wahabi doctrine that all homosexuals should be beheaded with a rusty sword. Being a man of boundless tolerance l think it is OK for gay people to form some sort of unholy union as long as they don’t call it marriage, perhaps a ‘License to Commit Sodomy’ or something similar.”

 

Anita Donlon – Independent

Though swearing black and blue to be an independent, Google tells us (and Google never lies) that Ms Donlon first saw the light of day as one of Clive’s P.U.P.s, (the runt of the litter, no doubt). After that party sank in spectacular fashion like The Titanic itself, Anita appears to have jumped into bed with the infamous U.P.F. (Unfriendly People Front) And you know what they say, ‘if you lie with dogs, you will get up with fleas’.

But to give her credit where credit is due, that is not the only spectacular failure to dog her nascent career. Anita’s main claim to fame is playing a leading role in the unmitigated failure of the ‘Stop the Mosque’ campaign.

A grudge she took all the way to the highest court in the land, only to be knocked back before even getting a foot in the door with these immortal words:, “Go home lady,you’re dreamin’’

But when all is said and done and the dust has settled, and the mighty edifice is built, and the morning prayer blares from the towering minaret at 5am day after day ad infinitum, we may find our religious tolerance to be sorely tested.

More Info…

 

Sandra Caddy – Rise Up Australia

Ms Caddy had this to say to her constituents:

“Contrary to popular opinion our party is not calling for general insurrection, or not yet, anyway.

Nor are we trying to sell Viagra

We are appealing to all those who suffer from the dreadful affliction of Phobism, especially our loyal supporters in the United Patriots Front.

Phobism is a communicable disease contacted through rubbing shoulders with mobs of frenzied zealots.

Sandra says: “My favourite phobias are:

Islamaphobia, (fear of Mosques)

Homophobia (fear of gay people)

Theophobia (fear of God)

Xenophobia (fear of foreigners called Nick)”

If you would like all your phobias exposed in parliament then join us in

The Party of Fear

 

More info…..

 

the others didn’t get a photo coz they weren’t sexy enough

Megan Purcell

Megal Purcell – Liberal

Ms Purcell had this to say to her constituents:

“I am a celebrity. You’ve probably seen me on T.V.

I began my illustrious career as a ‘Bundy Girl’

I soon rocketed to stardom on ‘Farmer wants a wife’ where I fell deeply in love with Julz, a cow farmer from Na Na Goon, but he measured my hips and found them too narrow for childbearing.

If elected l will remove the ‘Bundy Tax’ on alcho-pops

I will make Bundy the national currency like it was in the good old days

  • that’s history kids – Google it on your WiFi.

I am a true-blue, dinky-di Ozy girl from the wee hamlet of Maldon, where little has changed since we dispersed the natives and set up boutique homeware shops.

If elected I will make Maldon the next Sovereign Hill

I hearby challenge all the other contestants to a wet T-shirt contest.

Free Bundy for all!”

 

Ruth Paramore – Animal Justice

Ms Paramore had this to say to her constituents:

“We love cats.

We sincerely believe animals should have the same rights as humans,

The right to vote

The right to carry guns

The right to mate with other animals of a similar gender

The right to build mosques

Until our animal friends learn to speak we vow to speak up in their defense.”

4 legs good!

2 legs bad!

 

Lisa Chesters – Labor

Ms Chesters had this to say to her constituents:

“I know you are heartily sick of banging on about a lot of nonsense so l will just say this:In this election it is important to vote for my party because it is not as right wing as the Liberal Party”

 

Rosemary Glacier – Greens

Rosie says: “Here at the Greens we are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.

We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.”

Help halt Climate Change – Put a Glacier in Parliament!

 

 

Radio Roundup 26/2/16

Anti-vacs in kyneton,

Measles in Brunswick,

Zika in Queensland. Are we doomed?

Roundup, i-fones, chem trails. Yes we are.

Bill & Melinda Gates test uber-condoms

Pet Roos or Pet mince

Uber Bats

Bulldust flies in cow row

Cheating – birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it

First half-

Radio Roundup 19/2/16

Too many roos or too many humans?

Is ‘Roundup’ killing us all?

Gender Benders

“Just cutting your dick off doesn’t make you a woman”

  • Germaine Greer
  • Is it possible to extract any tax at all out of the super rich?

 

Next week –

Special guests Thornton & Norton

Talk things important

You can skip the first 20 minutes, Rusty was late as usual (she has the key)

Valentines Day – Official History

Dead love

Catholic Martyrologies and Hagiographies list no less than 11 Saint Valentines, but it is one Saint Valentius of Narnia (l kid you not) that has come to symbolize ‘Romantic Love’, quite possibly due to the reason for his gruesome execution in Rome, way back in the year 269 -on the 14th February coincidentally.

Whilst delivering his weekly sermon to the good people of Narnia,
a town in Umbria, Valentius couldn’t help slipping the word Jesus into his homilies from time to time,(Yes, the very same J.C. who has since become a household word) a bad habit to get into, as it turns out. The mere mention of this word made the local judge, one Autuaro Asterius, prick up his ears. (if you will pardon the expression)
Valentius was put under house arrest – in the judge’s own house –as was the custom of the day. Yet again, the excitable Valentius couldn’t help blurting out that word. Now Artie explained patiently to young Vali(they were on a first name basis by now) that he was under strict instructions from ‘The-Powers-That-Be’ to have him beaten to death with a blunt instrument –publically, ( there was no television in those days) if he some much as whispered that word. But being the kindly old sock that he was, he gave young Vali one last chance to redeem himself. The judge had a beautiful daughter who was as blind as a bat. If Vali could restore her sight he would be spared the gruesome death that awaited him. Vali duly laid his hands on the girl’s eyes and spoke that word several times, (soto voce, of course) the girl opened her eyes and for the fist time in her life she saw the world in all its radiant beauty. A Miracle!
Young Vali had ticked the first box on the Application for Sainthood. Judge Arty not only revoked Vali’s imminent death warrant but became an instant devotee of the unspeakable messiah and so did his gracious daughter, of course.
Things were going swimmingly for young Valentius, so well in fact that he ventured to chance his luck in the big city, the biggest of them all, the seathing, bustling metropolis of Rome, no less, the Capital of the world. But as luck would have it, the-powers-that-be in the cauldron of power would not be quite so malleable as the folksy folk of Umbria.
As was to be expected, Vali could not refrain from mentioning the unmentionable word that brought instant ire to all good law abiding Pagans. From whispering his heresy in the darkest corner of the tavern his hubris told him to shout it from the soap box in the city square.
Emperor Claudius Gothicus himself, no less, soon pricked up his ears, and he could be a particularly prickly fellow at the best of times.
Valentius was placed once more under house arrest – in Claudius’s very own house, as was the Roman custom, and yet again, on a good day, as luck would have it, when the notoriously prickly Claudius was wasn’t feeling such a prick, he was offered one last chance to escape is grisly fate. Claudius had a comely wife; one Clitimnestra, who refused to bare him an air, though not through lack of trying. If Valentius could induce his barren wife to conceive a bouncing baby boy, all would be forgiven. This was no walk in the park, but but one more miracle would make his sainthood a ‘lay-down-messiere’. After exhaustive investigations, over many private sessions with the vivacious Clitimnestra, she got pregnant. The emperor was overjoyed, as any prospective father would be, and vowed to set Valentius free the very next day, but first he felt the urge to rewarded his fertile wife with his greatest gift; the fruit of his loins, a gift she embraced with open arms, with fervour and with gusto. But alas and alak, as luck would have it, at very height of her exaltation she raised her comely eyes to the heavens and cried out, in a guttural moaning wail:
“ooooooh Jesus.”

Epilogue
Thus his fate was sealed. Young Valentius of the golden tongue, met his grisly end; beaten to death with a club, beheaded and paraded around the square on a pointy stick, as was the custom of the day. (no T.V. remember) But he ‘took-it-on-the-chin’, as we say in Rome’, knowing his martyrdom had ticked the last box. glorious martyrdom awaited- plus the added bonus of a hero’s welcome in Heaven.
And that is why, to this very day, on this very day, we celebrate his death as an undying symbol of romantic love.

Ben Laycock 2016

Mandy Rice-Davies

Clitimnestra