This is a beautiful story about a troubled young man who looks for solace

in distant realms. He spent is early years fixated on making contact with

aliens in distant galaxies, little knowing that they were visiting rural America

on a regular basis. 50% of Americans swear on the bible that they believe in

UFOs. 20% claim they have seen them. 10% claim to have been abducted

by them, and disturbingly, 9%(almost all abductees) claim to

have been subjected to an anal probe during their stay on the mother ship.

For those of you who are sceptical by nature, this may seem preposterous,

but if you bear me out you will come to see that there is a perfectly natural

explanation for this strange seemingly phenomena. On hearing these outlandish

stories from the victims themselves, who appear more than willing to share their

traumatic experiences on prime time television, one cannot but wonder:

Why on earth would these beings travel across the vast expanse of the universe

just to look up your arsehole?

But if the latest advances in micro-biology are anything to go by, the colon is

actually the centre of the universe. l assume these inter-galactic adventurers

are some form of micro-organism, who are merely visiting old friends who

happen to inhabit another body on another planet.

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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