‘Collins St. 2020’ – John Brack

A response to the extremely learned Professor Duncan Maskell’s not so learned views on that accursed virus


Professor Duncan Maskell, an expert in infectious diseases and the head of Australia’s Wealthiest University, has launched into full-scale attack mode in response to Chairman Dan’s endless lock-down.(He’s not Robinson Crusoe there, is he? That’s Duncan, not Dan)

After jumping into the deep end with:

“The number of people you see commenting on complicated issues with simplistic sound bites is really quite frightening.”

(well Hello! it’s called Twitter)

He then proceeds to follow suit, pompously pontificating on areas he appears to know little if anything about, or to be fair, knows no more about than anyone else who can read. Feigning angst and anguish about the assumed increase in suicides, little knowing that the suicide rate was to be published the very same day, showing no change in the suicide rate at all.(how embarrassing for the hapless professor) Something the rest of us are all extremely pleased to hear about, bit not it seems,those who have a barrow to push and an axe to grind. The hapless Professor goes on to lament the assumed mass poverty caused by the lock-down. University professors on $2000 per week may have to go on work-keeper and be forced to survive on $750 per week, heaven forbid! As for the poor struggling masses that he so fearlessly champions, l can assure you we are rolling in clover. We have all had a massive pay rise from starvation rations of $250 per week to $550 per week. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! As our one and only heathen messiah, Gogh the Great, once said: ‘We have never had it so good.” Please God, let the virus go on indefinitely, lest the gravy train grind to a halt. l humbly suggest that if our erstwhile professor is so concerned about the poor and down trodden, he could lower his Uni fees below $100,000 per course for a start!

While our disgruntled professor is having a go at the lock-down: imposed on the advice of scientific expertise, he has a swipe at politicians and the media in general, for eroding public trust in scientific expertise. Now, l’ve never set foot in one of those fancy universities, but that looks like the old ‘pot V kettle’ metaphor from a country mile away.

It is glaringly obvious that what our learned professor is really worried about is his job. How do we know that? Because he told us in plain English, and l quote:

“The sector could lose $16 billion in revenue between this year and 2023. My primary objective is to … make sure that this university survives the crisis”…..(and l keep my job….with all the perks, thank you very much.)

Now don’t get me wrong, l’m not one of those anti-intellectuals. l would go to Uni myself if l was as bright as Duncan.

The good professor may well be The Vice-chancellor of The Wealthiest University in The Nation, but it is plain to see why he never got to be The Chancellor.

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: