Ben's Blog

Yes, l am in hospital again, just a scratch really, that got really infected.

The nurses* took one look at it, took one look at each other, nodded in unison and ordered Intra-venous anti-biotics. I was a bit worried about my invisible friends that I am nurturing in my bowels, all 10 billion of them, but apparently they will be fine. It’s your oral anti-biotics they worry about.

Now I am on a drip every six hours, night and day, till things calm down.  

When my fever subsides l can go home and take orals.

The nurse came in tonight, admittedly she is used to dealing with demented oldies,

hands me a cup with 2 pills in them and says matter-of-factly, “take these”. 

She didn’t even say, “they are good for you”. I retorted in high dudgeon,

“I don’t take strange pills people give me, I used to do that at parties. It rarely ends well….although there was that one time I saw the entire universe in a grain of sand.

That was far-out!”.

To kill time, I am writing a best-seller, ‘My Favorite Hospitals’.  

l scratched Bendigo ‘coz l died there last year. Quite off-putting.

The day starts with a rigorous interrogation. Nurses have no shame.

Nurse Caruthers; ” Have you opened your bowels today Mr. Laycock?”

“Yes ma’am, I opened them up and had a good look inside, all hunky-dory in there”.

“Have you moved your bowels?”

“No I haven’t. They are still between my stomach and my anal sphincter, l hope.”

“Have you passed a stool?”

“Why yes I did, I passed one in the corridor just now”.

“Have you passed a stool thru your bowels?”

“No I certainly have not. I haven’t even eaten a stool lately”.

They are all scratching their noggins by now, trying ever so hard to stay decent.

“Ok Smarty-pants, have you done a shit, a terd, a crap, a bog or a pooh lately?

Well naturally l was shocked that a public servant would use such obscene language in a public place. I went as red as a beetroot.

After gathering my composure l managed to blurt out, ” Why didn’t you ask me before, instead of beating around the bush and being all coy. Yes, I went to the human bio-waste transfer station, placed my rectum directly above the disposal portal, and employed my personal bio-waste extrusion apparatus to squeeze out a big steamy grunter.

It was magnificent!

I couldn’t make myself flush it down, so I left it for those who followed to admire and envy.

 Only now do I begin to understand the pleasure women must feel extruding fully incubated embryos through their reproductive portals.

*You might be surprized to learn that the whole hospital is actually run by the nurses.

I am told Rehab upstairs has one in the day time, and surgery obviously needs the odd doctor or two from time to time, but apart from that, we only see a doctor if the nurses ask for one, otherwise they are running the whole damn operation, all day and all night, and doing a bloody good job!

Maybe we should ask them to run the country, couldn’t do any worse than the latest batch of knuckle heads?

Ben Boyang 19/9/21