Yes, l am in hospital again, just a scratch really, that got really infected.

The nurses* took one look at it, took one look at each other, nodded in unison and ordered Intra-venous anti-biotics. I was a bit worried about my invisible friends that I am nurturing in my bowels, all 10 billion of them, but apparently they will be fine. It’s your oral anti-biotics they worry about.

Now I am on a drip every six hours, night and day, till things calm down.  

When my fever subsides l can go home and take orals.

The nurse came in tonight, admittedly she is used to dealing with demented oldies,

hands me a cup with 2 pills in them and says matter-of-factly, “take these”. 

She didn’t even say, “they are good for you”. I retorted in high dudgeon,

“I don’t take strange pills people give me, I used to do that at parties. It rarely ends well….although there was that one time I saw the entire universe in a grain of sand.

That was far-out!”.

To kill time, I am writing a best-seller, ‘My Favorite Hospitals’.  

l scratched Bendigo ‘coz l died there last year. Quite off-putting.

The day starts with a rigorous interrogation. Nurses have no shame.

Nurse Caruthers; ” Have you opened your bowels today Mr. Laycock?”

“Yes ma’am, I opened them up and had a good look inside, all hunky-dory in there”.

“Have you moved your bowels?”

“No I haven’t. They are still between my stomach and my anal sphincter, l hope.”

“Have you passed a stool?”

“Why yes I did, I passed one in the corridor just now”.

“Have you passed a stool thru your bowels?”

“No I certainly have not. I haven’t even eaten a stool lately”.

They are all scratching their noggins by now, trying ever so hard to stay decent.

“Ok Smarty-pants, have you done a shit, a terd, a crap, a bog or a pooh lately?

Well naturally l was shocked that a public servant would use such obscene language in a public place. I went as red as a beetroot.

After gathering my composure l managed to blurt out, ” Why didn’t you ask me before, instead of beating around the bush and being all coy. Yes, I went to the human bio-waste transfer station, placed my rectum directly above the disposal portal, and employed my personal bio-waste extrusion apparatus to squeeze out a big steamy grunter.

It was magnificent!

I couldn’t make myself flush it down, so I left it for those who followed to admire and envy.

 Only now do I begin to understand the pleasure women must feel extruding fully incubated embryos through their reproductive portals.

*You might be surprized to learn that the whole hospital is actually run by the nurses.

I am told Rehab upstairs has one in the day time, and surgery obviously needs the odd doctor or two from time to time, but apart from that, we only see a doctor if the nurses ask for one, otherwise they are running the whole damn operation, all day and all night, and doing a bloody good job!

Maybe we should ask them to run the country, couldn’t do any worse than the latest batch of knuckle heads?

Ben Boyang 19/9/21

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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