Labor policy

 

Small L liberal (Liberal Lite)

Promises

Signature promises:

1 Ban puppy farms

-Bitches to be limited to 5 litters each (if successful this policy could be extended to humans)

2 Make grand final day a public holiday (blatant populism of the first order)

3 Make Easter Monday a public holiday (but only for practicing Christians – 7% of the population and plumeting)

4 Change number plates to: Victoria – The State ov Ejukayshun

 

More money for everything than the Libs

More everything for everyone than the Libs

More trains than the Libs, including 24 hour trains on weekends (complete with free berokas, panadol and soft pillows

Less tunnels than the Libs

A Royal Commision into domestic violence

Less money for Local Councils –Capped rates

More money for Ambos, nurses, firies and teachers + anyone else who wants it

Cancer compo for firefighters to be paid before they die rather than after

Bendigo to Wandong bike trail

Environmental & animal laboratory in Bendigo (for conducting gruesome experiments on animals, no doubt)

Community sports facilities, especially women’s change rooms (for changing clothes, not gender) At present they are often forced to change behind the bushes where perverts might be lurking

Grow Barramundi in abandoned pits at Hazelwood power station (one of their more bizzare ideas but could have legs if we can export them to Darwin)

More walking trails to major centres (cutting emmisions and keeping fit)

More cash for Stawell Gift (to bring out Oscar Pistrius, who has had his legs confiscated to dissuade him from absconding)

More fish for recreational anglers:

Including sex education for target species to boost fish stocks

A selective breading program to produce slower, dumber fish

A selective breeding program to produce smarter anglers

No more National Parks

More support for LGBTGDs* including dedicated councilors in every secondary school (Suggestion – Cut funding for religious schools that refuse to support LGBTGDs)

Dedicated commissioner for gender and sexuality(first job would be teaching the mug punters what LGBTGD actually stands for, then assisting LGBTGDs to work out which pidgeon hole they would like to nest in, if any)

Encourage people to take less drugs (good luck) including:

A crackdown on crack

A freeze on ice

Halt the spread of black ice on the Calder freeway (by heating bridges)

Build a bigger stadium in Bendigo than the Libs (more blatant populism)

 

Boost immunization levels by introducing:

No Jab – No Play unimmunized children to be banned from childcare, except for conscientious objectors (who will presumably be required to supply their own personal escape-proof bubble)

No jab no family tax benefit, no childcare benefit, (no lollies at play time)

 

Arrest the epidemic of mental health problems (free happy pills at McDonalds)

Climate Change

More education, including:

Music to be taught in every school (Lib kids to learn drums at home)

Ignore the environment altogether unless the Libs mention it.

Breakfast to be served in every school to combat truancy (Bread & butter for state schools, wine & waifers for the catholics salmon and sour cream for the private schools kiddies)

Finish C.S.C. intergration (at last)

“This is an area best left up to the Greens” – Senator Moore/Browncoal

More overseas junkets

Remove 50 level crossings

Reduce double crossings(that’s for you Mr.Shaw)

Think up an environment policy before the election. (could include

growing mushrooms in the East-West tunnel – or is that agriculture policy?)

Take action on Climate Change

  • Reduce wind farm residential exclusion zone from 2ks to 1k
  • Keep Coal fired power station exclusion zone at 50metres

 

*Lesbian Gay Bisexual Gender Diverse (or maybe Gender? Don’t know)

 

 

 

This data has been extracted from the Labor website

(not entirelly verbatim – be especially suspicious of sections in parenthesis)

 

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