How to Live Forever or Die in the Attempt

I just saw this amazing program last night, all about the key to longevity:

In a nutshell-Eat More Nuts

If only it were that simple, not that eating nuts will do you any harm, it may well do you a lot of good, but you know what they say: ‘You are what you eat’.

No, the key to longevity is Fasting. Religious types having been doing it for thousands of years, and some of them claim to be still alive today (or at least, not quite dead)

Iminent scientists with letters after their names have found via cruel and inhuman studies on non-humans, that a restriction of calorie intake to one quarter of their daily needs, (that’s about 500 calories for us humans) triggers a remarkable response: Put simply, because l simply don’t know how to put it any other way, our cells stop dividing like mad and repair themselves instead. So, if you fast, you won’t get cancer.( l know that is a pretty wild claim, but what if it’s true) However, there are side effects, one of which is: You will live forever. ( l know it may take some time to prove this statement, put l intend to try)

This outlandish assertion is based on Fact: The non-humans reffered to early have been fasting intermittently as part of their religious practice. This has had an astonishing effect on their longevity. To wit: One of them, his name is Ben, l think, is The Oldest Rat in the World. So there. That proves it. If you still don’t believe me, check out this website about the 5 – 2 Diet:

This has enormous implications for the whole planet.

I imagine very soon an awful lot of people will be taking up this practice, along with a raft of other measures to increase their longevity.

Experts are predicting that the world population will plateau around 9 billion after 2050, but as you can see, if everyone starts living for over 100 years this will have a significant effect on that prediction.

As you can imagine, by the end of this century, when you two will both be looking pretty decrepit, the advancement of understanding of the aging process should have extended your life expectancy beyond the present 100 years, possibly indefinately. While this would obviously be a good outcome for you, it does raise enormous questions about the sustainability and quality of life of the planet.

I would like you to have a think about that.


Deceptive Packaging

I just bought a tub of pesto at the local stupor market. The product was called traditional basil pesto. I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t read the ingredients. When I got home and found my glasses I was surprised to learn it was made out of canola oil, soya grits and spinach as well of a host of other things I had never heard and a lot of numbers. Way down the list was a smidgeon of basil. Now, in my day traditional pesto was made with olive oil, pine nuts, basil and garlic. I know you can make pesto out of whatever you like. The word just means paste, but I really don’t believe there is anywhere in the world where they make traditional pesto out of canola oil and soya grits, whatever they are. I know pine nuts are in short supply these days and as pricy as beluga caviar, but I found out the other day why they cost so much.

I happened to find myself in a tiny hamlet called Dookie, somewhere near Sheparton. My girlfriend at the time had a gig in a big brass band that was entertaining the locals, all six of them, plus a farmer who happened to be passing in his combine harvester. During a break in the performance I lay down for a little nap in the rotary park across the way. Having inadvertently left my pillow at home I was forced to make do with a pine cone to rest my weary head. After a restless sleep dreaming of being scooped up by one of those awesome machines and dumped in one of the many towering silos that dot the landscape around those parts, I noticed I had dislodges several little black nuts from my makeshift pillow. Upon further inspection I found the ground thereabouts littered with them. I gathered about a kilo  of the little gems, but it took me a couple of hours as the cockies had beat me to it. Then to get the nut out of the shell is no simple matter. One must hit it with a heavy object without squashing the soft and frajile kernel within.

To amass a small handful can take over an hour. Then of course one still has to make the pesto.

No wonder it costs more than pate de foi gras in the shops, but are you getting what you paid for?



AMA Insights.     

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on Tony Abott’s secret plan to gut Medicare.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Government had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a  misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the
 Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
 The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the  Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”.
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the  Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists just didn’t have the heart for it. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up  to those assholes in Canberra.

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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