July ’24

Do You (really) Want a Receipt?

Readers may be unaware that the receipts we are handed at the supermarket could ruin your life. When you grab a receipt you are receiving a lot more than little black numbers. Receipts are coated with a thin film of chemicals containing bisphenols, which are known endocrine disruptors, that means they mess with your hormones.

The human sperm count in the developed world is plummeting, by over 50% in less than 40 years. But don’t worry we still have a few billion left. Scientists predict it will not significantly effect fertility until it drops to 40%. But at the present rate of decline of 1-2% per year, that will take less than 10 years. We will then begin to see a dramatic decline in population across the developed world.

Global population was predicted to peak around 2060, at about 9 or 10 billion souls. That date has been wound forward to 2040. Then population will crash!

This is fantastic news for the climate and the environment.

For us older folk, who have done our breeding long ago, this good news, but for fellas who yearn for ‘the pitter, patter of little feet,’ do not handle receipts. On the other hand, if you not so keen on breeding with your present partner, just suggest that you handle all the receipts.(literally) Then you can bonk away to your hearts content, safe in the knowledge that some ‘little accident’ wont spoil the fun.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Guardian – Humans could face reproductive crisis as sperm count declines, study finds

Guardian – As birth rates fall, animals prowl in our abandoned ‘ghost villages’

Ben Boyang ’24

Unknown's avatar

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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