1641 – The first recorded insurrection. No doubt due to the fact that way back then in the dark ages the cave dwellers couldn’t read or write. But an old bloke in the pub who claims to be a direct descendant of Finn McKool’s mother-in-law, said it had something to do with the Catholics and the Scotts and the English and their damn ‘plantations.’ – that is a reference to the practice of ‘planting’ Pommies in Ireland.

“A lot of wild oats were sown too” he added sotto voce.

This hapless attempt to dislodge the landed gentry is led by one Phlegm O’niel, despite having a nasty cough at the time. Alas it was a damp squib.

1798 – Uprising Number 2. A failed attempt to copy the French and Americans, who had set the world aflame with their daring-do.

(apparently some joker by the name of Wolfe Tone had a hand in the shenanigans, but don’t quote me on that)

1803 – Number 3. Another fizzer, due to inclement weather.

1848 – The potato blight sweeps the European continent. Europeans survive on turnips and bloody rebellion. The Irish don’t like turnips, so they move en mass to the antipodes, where they studiously set about creating over-population. A craft they have honed over many generations. This project was proceeding well – (70 million people proudly claim Irish heritage, 6 million of whom are still stuck in Ireland) – until some spoil-sport invented the contraception pill and abortion was legalized.

1852- French second wave – Napoleon stages coup – the rest is history.

1867 – Enter the Fenians – stage left – the mother of modern Irish Republicanism,

though they called themselves a brotherhood, which makes for genealogical confusion. The fiendish Fenians recruit Irish veterans of the American Civil War for an Irish revolution. They also attack the British in Canada, (l guess because it was closer…..and they didn’t have a boat)

The dreaded word ‘socialism’ is heard in whispers for the first time.

The failed Fenian Rising began when they robbed a man’s house and stole his horse. They killed a policeman who was passing by, before heading towards Killarney. As they neared the town it was noticed that the British army were occupying it, so they retired to the pub to sing rousing songs of daring-do.

A fairly standard Irish uprising, by all accounts.

After their latest set back the republicans realized it was futile to attempt fostering an uprising by example.

(take note, all budding revolutionaries. Look what happened to Che Guevarra, and he at least knew what he was doing)

So they set about the far more laborious job of organizing the masses before-hand. This took them some time, as you can well imagine.

(50 years is a long time between drinks)

1916 – The Easter Rising – Proclamation of The Irish Republic.

Enter Sinn Fein* – also stage left.

Yet another damp squib!

– Background – WW1 – (The war to end all wars) 1914-18

– The Russian Revolution – the world’s first socialist revolution

As usual, a resurection  sorry, an insurection is declared.

( The Resurection Insurection perhaps? )

Everyone sets about arguing the toss – as per usual. Some folks join the rebellion – some decline. It is a fizzer, as per usual. All the rebel leaders are executed and instantly became martyrs. Job well done! Let’s drink to that!

Sinn Féin is born, covered in blood. (remember that name, it will pop up when you least expect it – not unlike a volcano, or a bomb!)

Nothing much happens for 3 whole years, due to WW 1, where Irish loyalists to the Crown take a break from killing their fellow Irish, and march off to kill some foreigners for a change. (A change is as good as a holiday, they say)

The Irish Brigade are sent straight to Gallipoli, and an early grave.***

The Anglo-Irish War of Independence

1919 – 1921. For three years the IRA engaged in guerrilla warfare against the British army and paramilitary police units known as the Black and Tans.

This resulted in the British Government finally agreeing to offer a take-it-or-leave-it treaty. All those failed rebellions and resurrected insurrections had finally produced a tangible result. The moment of reckoning had arrived. Was this what so many had fought and died for, or was it a sop?

After so many battles, are the Irish capable of accepting a peaceful solution?

The British said Ireland had fought valiantly enough to earn themselves the title of Free State within the commonwealth – like Australia or Canada – and they should be grateful for that. It sounds OK doesn’t it? But too much blood had been spilt.

No ‘true’ Republican could bring themselves to swear an oath of allegiance to their sworn enemy, The King of Bloody England, no less. Heaven forbid!

(If it had been our Lizzy, things might have turned out differently. She is such a sweet old duck, isn’t she?)

The IRA were in turmoil, so to help them decide, the British make it quite clear;

Accept our sop or we shall “ launch a terrible and immediate war”

(something they are very good at and enjoyed immensely)

Very hard to make an objective decision with  the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. So what did the Irish patriots do?

They did what they do best. They took up their trusty firearms and went in to battle.

l guess if you’ve been fighting for generations it can be hard to stop all of a sudden.

A short and bloody war ensued.

The Free Staters – The take what you can get pragmatists. ‘The  ‘bird in the hand is worth two in the bush’ folks – Versus – The Do-or-Die, ‘The King of bloody England can rule over my corpse’ types.

Most of the IRA rank and file were republicans, but hey were poorly organized and widely dispersed. (mobile phone reception was woeful back then, as you can well imagine, so they were in a pickle) – while the Free Staters had more guns, and all the heavy weapons that their recent sworn enemy – the British, had kindly lent them, along with some top strategists in fighting against guerrilla war. A novel experience for the Irish.

‘Only’ about 2,000 people died, but this was an internecine war of brother v brother

that ended with atrocities and executions and assassinations, that tore families and communities apart for generations.

So the treaty was signed. Ireland became a Free State, sorry 2 free states.

Somewhere in the midst of all that fighting the willy Brits insert a claws sorry clause, that they will waiver Southern Ireland’s enormous debt in exchange for Northern Island remaining part of Britain, as it is to this day.

(Things can simmer away for generations, then all of a sudden all Hell breaks loose

and spur of the moment decisions are set in stone. The ramifications can reverberate down through the ages)

1922 –  Ireland is split asunder. It is still asunder today.**

1923 – A general election is held to sanctify all that ugly bloodletting.

Fine Gael   – the Free Staters – won!

Fianna Fáil – the Republicans – lost!

So what did that mean?

‘The Irish wanted the Free State, or the Irish were sick of war?

Can you have democracy in the middle of a war?**

Fine Gael and Fianna Fail go on to dominate Irish politix for years to come.

While Sinn Féin, the dotting mother of these two squabbling siblings, fade into obscurity. Right up until the 1970s almost all of Ireland’s prominent politicians are veterans of the civil war, followed by their offspring. Ironically, they both become pretty indistinguishable as Centre-Right Christian parties – endlessly swapping between government and opposition, in that dance we so quaintly call Democracy.

Inevitably ending up sharing government when a real threat emerges.

That existential threat to the status quo finally rears it’s ugly head, 100 years later,

in the 2020 election, when Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee are forced to grip each other in fond embrace in order to ward off the downfall of civilization as we know it, in the guise of…. you guessed it, Sinn Fien no less! – the dog that just won’t lie down. Not that they were really lying dormant all this time. They were busy making mischief (then peace) in Belfast, weren’t they indeed!

*Not to be confused with the Fenians who, after inseminating Ireland with the words ‘republic’ and ‘socialism’, promptly disappeared from the scene, not unlike a wombat. A lot of insemination going on back than apparently. Personally, l blame The Pope!

**

The smaller part – Northern Ireland, has a Protestants majority.

The other bit – the Republic, is full of Catholics, as we all know.

But not for long. Irish Catholics are excellent breeders, as we all know, so at the present rate Northern Ireland will be majority Catholic within a generation. Then they will reunite with the rest of Ireland, without a shot being fired, and what a glorious day that will be, to be sure, to be sure. Such is the awesome power of the Catholic Church. ( if nothing else, they know how to fuck their way to world domination!)

This inexorable result will only be thwarted by those Femenists with their contraception pills and their abortions, putting a coat hanger in the works – so to speak.

– Before we start the hate male sorry, hate mail, please note –

This cheeky comment is ‘tongue-in-cheek’

***

Sound familiar? Using Irish loyalists as cannon fodder helped foment a thirst for revolution in Ireland. Just like it did in Australia – not! Here in Australia we worship that shameful episode as a test of our loyalty to The Crown, an auto-da-fe.

With immense pride we describe in great detail how our brave young men fell in wave after wave, for months on end, in futile defense of a British Empire past it’s use-by-date!.

It was a seminal moment in the pregnancy  of both our Republics; Ireland and Australia. But als and alak, only one got born.

As we all know, the Gallipoli Debacle took place in 1915. In Ireland the Easter Rising happened very soon after, in 1916. Followed by the war of Independence from 1919 to 1922, giving birth, after much hemorrhaging, to the Irish Free State, and it’s spavined little runt of a sibling; Northern Ireland.

(the poor we thing is still suckling at the breast to this day)

This put our two countries on an equal footing.

Australia became a separate nation in 1901, without a shot being fired, l might add. (The Pommies were glad to get rid of us, l do believe.)

A ‘free state’, and that’s as far as we went down that road for another 100 years.

But the Irish, not being so enamored of our British rulers, continued their quest for full emancipation, via less bloodthirsty means. A republic was finally proclaimed in 1949, without a shot being fired! This was just after the second ‘war to end all world wars’. Presumably because the Irish figured the Brits would be exhausted and sick of war.

(that is quite a presumption. As if the British would ever get sick of war)

But the strategy worked. (who said the Irish are lunk-heads)

A long and difficult birth to be sure, to be sure, but quite an anti-climax in the end. The mother was exhausted. The poor child was left to fend for itself. Everyone else was down the pub, l presume.

Meanwhile far, far away in a distant land, the long and tiring gestation of emancipation was only just beggining to germinate within the Womb of the Nation.

The word ‘republic’ had entered the lexicon. The mother was nervous. This would be her first child. (not counting Eureka – stillborn, poor we thing)

Doctor John was not in favor of sex before marraige, let alone birth before marriage; “you are far too young to bear children girly. Wait till you grow up.”

But the time for that little sermon was long gone. Biology was in charge now. The little blighter had a yearning to breathe free. They were coming out, ready or not!

Something had to be done. Best not go into the gory details in front of the children.

Let’s just say Dr. John did what was needed, in his masterful way,

to avoid the birth of a bastard child.

(Just between you and me, he wasn’t  really a doctor at all. We called him ‘Johnny the Butcher’ But if you were desperate and had the cash up front he could ‘make the problem go away’)

So ‘the problem’ was made to ‘go away’- very late term indeed!

Some say it was heard kicking and screaming from the rubbish bin!

Ben Boyang 8/21

Written in the blood of martyrs, of course.

IRISH REBELLION 101

1641 – The first recorded insurrection. No doubt due to the fact that way back then in the dark ages the cave dwellers could neither read nor write. But an old bloke in the pub who claims to be a direct descendant of Finn McKool’s mother-in-law, said it had something to do with the Catholics and the Scotts and the English and their damn ‘plantations.’ – that is a reference to the practice of ‘planting’ Pommies in Ireland.

“A lot of wild oats were sown as well” he added sotto voce.

This hapless attempt to dislodge the landed gentry is led by one Phlegm O’niel, despite having a nasty cough at the time. Alas it was a damp squib.

1798 – Uprising Number 2. A failed attempt to copy the French and Americans, who had set the world aflame with their daring-do.

(apparently some joker by the name of Wolfe Tone had a hand in the shenanigans, but don’t quote me on that)

1803 – Number 3. Another fizzer, due to inclement weather.

1848 – The potato blight sweeps the European continent. Europeans survive on turnips and bloody rebellion. The Irish don’t like turnips, so they move en mass to New York, where they studiously set about creating over-population. A craft they have honed over many generations. This project was proceeding well – (70 million people proudly claim Irish heritage, 6 million of whom are still stuck in Ireland) – until some atheist spoil-sport invented the contraception pill, and abortion was legalized.

1852- French second wave – Napoleon stages coup – the rest is history.

1867 – Enter the Fenians – stage left – the mother of modern Irish Republicanism,

though they called themselves a brotherhood, which makes for genealogical confusion. The fiendish Fenians recruit Irish veterans of the American Civil War for an Irish revolution. They also attack the British in Canada.

(l guess because it was closer…..and they didn’t have a boat)

The dreaded word ‘socialism’ is heard in whispers for the first time.

The failed Fenian Rising began when they robbed a man’s house and stole his horse. They killed a policeman who was passing by, before heading towards Killarney. As they neared the town it was noticed that the British army were occupying it, so they retired to the pub to sing rousing songs of rebellion.

A fairly standard Irish uprising, by all accounts.

After their latest set back the republicans realized it was futile to attempt fostering an uprising by example.

(take note, all budding revolutionaries. Look what happened to Che Guevarra, and he at least knew what he was doing)

So they set about the far more laborious job of organizing the masses before-hand. This took them some time, as you can well imagine.

(50 years is a long time between drinks)

1916 – The Easter Rising – Proclamation of The Irish Republic.

Yet another damp squib!

– Background – WW1 – (The war to end all wars) 1914-18

– The Russian Revolution – the world’s first socialist revolution

As usual, a resurrection  sorry, an insurrection is declared.

( The Resurrection Insurrection perhaps? )

Everyone sets about arguing the toss – as per usual. Some folks join the rebellion – some decline. It is a fizzer, as per usual. All the rebel leaders are executed and instantly become martyrs. Job well done! Let’s drink to that!

Enter Sinn Fein – also stage left., covered in blood.

(remember that name, it will pop up when you least expect it

– not unlike a volcano, or a bomb! Not to be confused with the Fenians who,

after inseminating Ireland with the words ‘republic’ and ‘socialism’, promptly disappear from the scene, not unlike a wombat.

A lot of insemination going on back than apparently.

Personally, l blame The Pope!

Nothing much happens for 3 whole years, due to WW 1, where Irish loyalists to the Crown take a break from killing their fellow Irish, and march off to kill some foreigners for a change. (A change is as good as a holiday, they say)

The Irish Brigade are sent straight to Gallipoli, and an early grave.

The Anglo-Irish War of Independence

1919 – 1921. For three years the IRA engage in guerrilla warfare against the British army and paramilitary police units known as the Black and Tans.

This results in the British Government finally agreeing to offer a take-it-or-leave-it treaty. All those failed rebellions and resurrected insurrections had finally produced a tangible result. The moment of reckoning has arrived. Is this what so many have fought and died for, or is it a sop?

After so many battles, are the Irish capable of accepting a peaceful solution?

The British say Ireland has fought valiantly enough to earn themselves the title of Free State within the commonwealth – like Australia or Canada – and they should be grateful for that. It sounds OK to us Ozies, doesn’t it?

But too much blood has been spilt.

No ‘true’ Republican could bring themselves to swear an oath of allegiance to their sworn enemy, The King of Bloody England, no less. Heaven forbid!

(If it had been our Lizzy, things might have turned out differently. She is such a sweet old duck, isn’t she?)

The IRA are in turmoil, so to help them decide, the British make it quite clear;

Accept our sop or we shall “ launch a terrible and immediate war”

(something they are very good at and enjoyed immensely)

Very hard to make an objective decision with the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. So what do the Irish patriots do?

They do what their instinct tells them. They do the only thing they know. They take up their t rusty firearms and go in to battle once more.

l guess if you’ve been fighting for generations it can be hard to stop all of a sudden.

A short and bloody war ensues.

The Free Staters – The take what you can get pragmatists. ‘The  ‘bird in the hand is worth two in the bush’ folks – Versus – The Do-or-Die, ‘The King of bloody England can rule over my corpse’ types.

Most of the IRA rank and file are republicans at this point, but they are poorly organized and widely dispersed. (mobile phone reception was woeful back then, as you can well imagine, so they were in a pickle) – while the Free Staters had more guns, and all the heavy weapons that their recent sworn enemy – the British, had kindly lent them, along with some top strategists in fighting against guerrillas. A novel experience for the Irish.

‘Only’ about 2,000 people died, but this was an internecine war of brother v brother. It ended badly, as wars tend to do, with atrocities and executions and assassinations that tore families and communities apart for generations.

So the treaty is signed. Ireland becomes a Free State, sorry 2 free states for the price of one.

Somewhere in the midst of all that fighting the willy Brits insert a claws sorry clause, that they will waiver Southern Ireland’s enormous debt in exchange for Northern Island remaining part of Britain.

Ireland is split asunder. It is still asunder today.

(Things can simmer away for generations, then all of a sudden all Hell breaks loose and spur of the moment decisions are set in stone. With ramifications that reverberate down through the ages)

1923 – A general election is held to sanctify all that ugly bloodletting.

Fine Gael   – the Free Staters – win!

Fianna Fáil – the Republicans – lose!

So what does that mean?

‘The Irish want the Free State, or the Irish are sick of war?

Can you have democracy in the middle of a war?

Fine Gael and Fianna Fail go on to dominate Irish politix for years to come.

While Sinn Féin, the dotting mother of these two squabbling siblings, fade into obscurity. Right up until the 1970s almost all of Ireland’s prominent politicians are veterans of the civil war, followed by their offspring. Ironically, they both become pretty indistinguishable as Centre-Right Christian parties – endlessly swapping between government and opposition, in that dance we so quaintly call Democracy.

Inevitably ending up sharing government when a real threat emerges.

That existential threat to the status quo finally rears it’s ugly head, 100 years later, in the 2020 election, when Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee are forced to grip each other in fond embrace in order to ward off the downfall of civilization as we know it, in the guise of…. you guessed it, Sinn Fien no less! – the dog that just won’t lie down. Not that they were really lying dormant all this time. They were busy making mischief (then peace) in Belfast, weren’t they indeed!

The End

____________________



The troubles in Northern Ireland

When Britain, in their infinite wisdom, split Ireland asunder

the smaller part – Northern Ireland, had a Protestants majority.

But not for long. Irish Catholics are excellent breeders, as we all know, so at the present rate Northern Ireland will be majority Catholic within a generation. Then they will reunite with the rest of Ireland, without a shot being fired, and what a glorious day that will be, to be sure, to be sure. Such is the awesome power of the Catholic Church.

( if nothing else, they know how to fuck their way to world domination!)

This inexorable result will only be thwarted by those Feminists with their contraception pills and their abortions.

– Before we start the hate male sorry, hate mail, please note –

This cheeky comment is ‘tongue-in-cheek’

___________________________________-

The Irish at Galipoli

Sound familiar? Using Irish loyalists as cannon fodder helped foment a thirst for revolution in Ireland. Just like it did in Australia – not! Here in Australia we worship that shameful episode as a test of our loyalty to The Crown, an auto-da-fe.

With immense pride we describe in great detail how our brave young men fell in wave after wave, for months on end, in futile defence of a British Empire past it’s use-by-date!.

It was a seminal moment in the pregnancy  of both our Republics; Ireland and Australia. But alas and alak, only one got born.

As we all know, the Gallipoli Debacle took place in 1915. In Ireland the Easter Rising happened very soon after, in 1916. Followed by the war of Independence from 1919 to 1922, giving birth, after much haemorrhaging, to the Irish Free State, and it’s spavined little runt of a sibling; Northern Ireland.

(the poor we thing is still suckling at the breast to this day)

This put our two countries on an equal footing.

Australia became a separate nation in 1901, without a shot being fired, l might add. (The Pommies were glad to get rid of us, l do believe.)

A ‘free state’, and that’s as far as we went down that road for another 100 years.

But the Irish, not being so enamoured of our British rulers, continued their quest for full emancipation, via less bloodthirsty means. A republic was finally proclaimed in 1949, without a shot being fired! This was just after the second ‘war to end all world wars’. Presumably because the Irish figured the Brits would be exhausted and sick of war.

(that is quite a presumption. As if the British would ever get sick of war)

But the strategy worked. (who said the Irish are lunk-heads)

A long and difficult birth to be sure, to be sure, but quite an anti-climax in the end. The mother was exhausted. The poor child was left to fend for itself. Everyone else was down the pub, l presume.

Meanwhile far, far away in a distant land, the long and tiring gestation of emancipation was only just beginning to germinate within the Womb of the Nation.

The word ‘republic’ had entered the lexicon. The mother was nervous. This would be her first child. (not counting Eureka – stillborn, poor we thing)

Doctor John was not in favour of sex before marriage, let alone birth before marriage; “you are far too young to bear children girly. Wait till you grow up.”

But the time for that little sermon was long gone. Biology was in charge now. The little blighter had a yearning to breathe free. They were coming out, ready or not!

Something had to be done. Best not go into the gory details in front of the children.

Let’s just say Dr. John did what was needed, in his masterful way,

to avoid the birth of a bastard child.

(Just between you and me, he wasn’t  really a doctor at all. We called him ‘Johnny the Butcher’ But if you were desperate and had the cash up front he could ‘make the problem go away’)

So ‘the problem’ was made to ‘go away’- very late term indeed!

Some say it was heard kicking and screaming from the rubbish bin!

Disclaimer – All the facts of this story were taken from Wikipedia,

so don’t blame me if they are wrong. The rest is fiction.

Ben Boyang 8/21

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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