What actually took place on the 26th January in the year of our Lord 1788?

Yes, it’s that time of the year again, when we have a barney about Australia Day. So in order to avoid any misunderstandings, or to add grist to the mill, let us delve deep into our bosoms and ask ourselves, what exactly are we commemorating?

Some of our most venerable leaders are of the misguided belief that January 26th 1788 is the day Captain Cook arrived on these fair shores.

But alas, they are sorely mistaken, for it is there for all to see in Wikipedia, the modern day bible, that Mr. Cook arrived some 18 years earlier in the year of our lord 1770. Others are of the opinion that the 26th of January is the day The First Fleeters set eyes on our dusty continent. But that was actually a couple of days earlier, on January 19th, when they entered Botany Bay, Being quite dissatisfied with the camping facilities provided, they decamped. (no BBQ Area apparently).

 Yet others believe for some reason known only to themselves, that the 26th of January is the day Governor Philip proclaimed the establishment of a penal colony on these fair shores, but who wants to commemorate that? January 26th is actually the day The First Fleet entered Sydney Cove (after hearing rumors that the French were lurking in the vicinity, hoping to stick their flag in the dirt. Mon cur! ) After securing the BBQ Area, their very first act of barbarism (but surely not their last) was to run up the nearest hill, plant the Union Jack in the ground and claim the entire continent in the name of King George III. So what we are so boisterously celebrating to this day, is the very moment the country was stolen from its rightful owners.

After that task was accomplished the convicts were allowed to disembark from the ships. Bear in mind, they had not set foot on dry land for 8 months. Naturally they set about getting to know each other.(in the biblical sense) According to Robert Hughes, author of The Fatal Shore –‘The convicts had an orgy! If that wasn’t enough, the sailors then proceeded to get drunk and join them in their licentious cavorting.’ A blind eye was turned to ‘the abominable crime of buggery’ on this particular occasion, as the participants were not particularly particular about who they participated with, partly due, no doubt to the extreme lack of female company at the time. Though Australia’s ‘Second Nation Peoples’, if we may call them that, did celebrate with gay abandon, l don’t mean to impune that they were all gay. Just as those who would not refer to themselves as cannibals are forced from time to time, to partake of human flesh, or your atheists who find it necessary to convert to Catholicism on their death bed just to get into heaven.

As the late, great Chad Morgan once said:

“If you can’t get what you want honey, get what you need.”

 Maybe it is that convivial display of ‘mateship’ that we commemorate today, in a somewhat less exuberant fashion, that unique ability to adapt to adverse circumstances, be it fires, floods, droughts, Galipolli, Kakoda, that makes us truly Australian.

Whatever it is, the act of celebration we indulge in today, is certainly no ancient tradition. It was only made a  National Public Holiday in 1994, by one Paul Bloody Keeting no less, who should have known better.

Remember that the historic Mabo decision was handed down just two years before, in1992. That legally binding document completely dismisses the extravagant claim shouted from that hilltop by those enthusiastic young men on that odd and fateful day so long ago.

Ben Boyang 2021

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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