2B or not 2B?

 
I went to hospital on New Years Eve, last year. I was there on-and -off for about 6 weeks. So l missed all the smoke, which is good, but while l was there l died, which is bad. But it was only for a few minutes, which is good. Of course everyone asks me about my experience while l was ‘dead.’ But being an atheist and all that l didn’t experience much at all. Except for one brief encounter with the nether world. While l was hovering above my body, as one does, two very well dressed young men approached my bedside. Even though l was quite a bit dead at the time, l picked them for Mormons immediately. (still got my faculties) The nice young men got chatting, as they do. I wasn’t going anywhere in particular so l half listened to their shaggy dog story. They were really boring so l piped up: “Come on fellas, cut to the chase.” That’s when they offered me ‘The deal’. They said to my face: “Look mate, truth is, your not very well. In fact you’re dead, technically speaking.” l looked a bit shocked at this point, so they held my hand and said: “Don’t worry, death’s OK, we’re dead, do we look worried?” They both had big grins. “So here is the deal. You can go back to life if you really want to, but personally we wouldn’t recommend it. By the look of all these gauges and monitors hanging off you, your odds of surviving beyond the next few days are somewhere between Buckleys & None. Even if you do manage to squeeze a few more years out of that poor decrepit body down there on the slab,(they were laying it on pretty thick, all part of the spiel) you will be spending your twilight years there on earth with what can only be described as a bunch of degenerates and ne’er-do-wells: blasphemers, heretics and infidels, one and all. Where as, on the other hand, if you choose Immortality, you get to spend the rest of Eternity here in Paradise with us, and all the other Mormons that have ever lived. You have to admit, we are fun guys. Have a think about it. No rush.” Well l did think about it, didn’t l? An offer like this doesn’t come around every day. After quite a few very pensive seconds l said: ” Look fellas, l have enjoyed your little visit. It has made my day, actually, but after careful consideration, l have decided to take my chances back there, in Sodom & Gomorrah, with the heathens and the riff-Raff, the lost souls and the woe-be-gone. No offense or anything.Thanks for the offer.” Then l got hit with one almighty electric shock and l came back to life.
Ben 14/8/20

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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