We could be living in

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According to the Pundits, in the year of 1835, one John Batman Esquire was the first white man to arrive sober in the spot that now beers the boring title of Melbourne. He stuck a sharp stick in the ground and declared grandiosely, “This is the place for a Latte”. Prophetic words indeed. Coming from the bucolic isle of Tasmania and being a prize egotist he naturally wanted to call the place Batmania. However, unbeknownst to him, a far more crafty fellow by the name of Fawkner arrived very soon after in the S.S. Enterprize. (I kid you not) Being a prize Suck-hole he petitioned the Prime Minister of England to call the place Melbourne. Coincidentally the P.M.s name was Lord Melbourne, so being yet another prize egotist he hearltily agreed.
And so began the most livable city in the world. But it was not always quite so livable. Very early on it was plagued with parking problems.
Burke St. in particular was a nightmare. Can you even imagine doing a u-turn with a fully loaded dray and 6 ornery oxen without getting stuck in a bog or caught on the protruding stumps.
So one Henry Hoddle was commissioned to solve the problem. Which he promptly did. Presenting the burgers with ‘The Hoddle Model’. Being a simple man of simple mind he simply drew up a grid with his trusty set-square that he always carried in the top pocket of his trusty smoking jacket. Tragically, a mere slip of the quill inscribed an ugly black line from top to bottom. The said Burgers naturally enquired as to its purpose. Deftly, in a moment of uncharacteristic imagination, our Mr. Hoddle called it ‘The Melbourne Bypass’ Thus was born the infamous Hoddle St., bain of our existence, cursed for ever more as a slow-moving parking lot. To this day any young lass or lad, setting off to Melbourne to make their mark in the world, will receive the same parental advice; ‘Whatever you do, avoid Hoddle St, at all costs”.

I am a fearless reporter who has recently been sacked from News of the World due to wishy washy. namby pamby, bleeding heart, bed weting liberals banging on about Ethics, whatever they are. I try to offend as many people as possible but in the words of some great orator, "you can offend some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but youcant offend all of the people all of the time".

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