A ‘rundown’ of the candidates in Bendigo
We have several candidates running for election, others standing for office, and one sitting member. As it is a race l would personally back the runners.
Here is a brief ‘rundown’ of the motley crew.
Please don’t take this expression literally. No one will actually be run down by any sort of vehicle, except the blokes, as they are fair game. But we will be using this bulletin as a vehicle to run down the candidates metaphorically.
Let’s start of with the wanabees that are pretty run down to start with….
Andy Madison – Nationals
Andy had this to say to his constituents :
“We are a party of weary old cockies
We believe in ‘Agrarian Socialism’, which differs from traditional Stalinism in that we get to keep all our profits but share our loses with the community.
We love farmers but we prefer miners, especially Frackers.
We love nature but we prefer grass
We are an independent party that always votes with the Libs
Traditionally we have sat back and watched as our country towns are gutted and the rural economy collapses, along with our vote. We often wring our hands over this dilemma but what can we do? We begged the Liberals to fix it but they said no.
We are in favor of A.I. (Artificial Insemination – not Amnesty International)”
Alan Howard – Family First
Alan had this to say to his constituents :
“We refer to ourselves as The Anti Party or The Anti Party Party
Our detractors call us The White Anty Party
We are anti action on climate change
But pro life (at least until you are born, then you’re on your own, baby)
Alan also said: “As a qualified marriage celebrant l feel qualified to give my unqualified support for Homophobia. My opinion differs somewhat from the official Wahabi doctrine that all homosexuals should be beheaded with a rusty sword. Being a man of boundless tolerance l think it is OK for gay people to form some sort of unholy union as long as they don’t call it marriage, perhaps a ‘License to Commit Sodomy’ or something similar.”
Anita Donlon – Independent
Though swearing black and blue to be an independent, Google tells us (and Google never lies) that Ms Donlon first saw the light of day as one of Clive’s P.U.P.s, (the runt of the litter, no doubt). After that party sank in spectacular fashion like The Titanic itself, Anita appears to have jumped into bed with the infamous U.P.F. (Unfriendly People Front) And you know what they say, ‘if you lie with dogs, you will get up with fleas’.
But to give her credit where credit is due, that is not the only spectacular failure to dog her nascent career. Anita’s main claim to fame is playing a leading role in the unmitigated failure of the ‘Stop the Mosque’ campaign.
A grudge she took all the way to the highest court in the land, only to be knocked back before even getting a foot in the door with these immortal words:, “Go home lady,you’re dreamin’’
But when all is said and done and the dust has settled, and the mighty edifice is built, and the morning prayer blares from the towering minaret at 5am day after day ad infinitum, we may find our religious tolerance to be sorely tested.
Sandra Caddy – Rise Up Australia
Ms Caddy had this to say to her constituents:
“Contrary to popular opinion our party is not calling for general insurrection, or not yet, anyway.
Nor are we trying to sell Viagra
We are appealing to all those who suffer from the dreadful affliction of Phobism, especially our loyal supporters in the United Patriots Front.
Phobism is a communicable disease contacted through rubbing shoulders with mobs of frenzied zealots.
Sandra says: “My favourite phobias are:
Islamaphobia, (fear of Mosques)
Homophobia (fear of gay people)
Theophobia (fear of God)
Xenophobia (fear of foreigners called Nick)”
If you would like all your phobias exposed in parliament then join us in
The Party of Fear
the others didn’t get a photo coz they weren’t sexy enough
Megal Purcell – Liberal
Ms Purcell had this to say to her constituents:
“I am a celebrity. You’ve probably seen me on T.V.
I began my illustrious career as a ‘Bundy Girl’
I soon rocketed to stardom on ‘Farmer wants a wife’ where I fell deeply in love with Julz, a cow farmer from Na Na Goon, but he measured my hips and found them too narrow for childbearing.
If elected l will remove the ‘Bundy Tax’ on alcho-pops
I will make Bundy the national currency like it was in the good old days
- that’s history kids – Google it on your WiFi.
I am a true-blue, dinky-di Ozy girl from the wee hamlet of Maldon, where little has changed since we dispersed the natives and set up boutique homeware shops.
If elected I will make Maldon the next Sovereign Hill
I hearby challenge all the other contestants to a wet T-shirt contest.
Free Bundy for all!”
Ruth Paramore – Animal Justice
Ms Paramore had this to say to her constituents:
“We love cats.
We sincerely believe animals should have the same rights as humans,
The right to vote
The right to carry guns
The right to mate with other animals of a similar gender
The right to build mosques
Until our animal friends learn to speak we vow to speak up in their defense.”
4 legs good!
2 legs bad!
Lisa Chesters – Labor
Ms Chesters had this to say to her constituents:
“I know you are heartily sick of banging on about a lot of nonsense so l will just say this:In this election it is important to vote for my party because it is not as right wing as the Liberal Party”
Rosemary Glacier – Greens
Rosie says: “Here at the Greens we are one big happy family made up of nice, well educated middle class people who care very much about those less fortunate than ourselves, like poor people.
We love the bush but we have to live in the heart of the city because it is cool. We like to see ourselves as the beating heart of an otherwise heartless nation.”
Help halt Climate Change – Put a Glacier in Parliament!